Advantages of Government Shutdown!





A lot of folks are up in arms just because the old United States Government is shut down! They are upset because national parks are “closed” or their government jobs are on hiatus and they are not getting “paid.” Or that if the most powerful nation on earth doesn’t pay its bills the global economy might “collapse.” Well don’t let these people tell you that the bank is half empty; I prefer to think of the bank as half FULL… of fun! With the government shutdown, that means there is NO government. Am I right?  That’s why I am taking advantage of this government shutdown and you should to. Here’s how.

Take Free Packages Full of Mystery Surprises!

The shutdown means the US Post Office is closed and the mail is totally not being delivered. Therefore any stray packages and mail you see left behind on a neighbor’s doorstep or mailbox are fair game. They are in a neither region of not having been delivered and not being delivered since the Post Office is closed (I assume since it’s a government agency). Therefore you can free them from this mail purgatory and take them for your own! Who knows what’s inside; it’s like a mystery surprise box each time! So far I’ve gotten an X-Box, a stack of Omaha Steaks and something called “The Sybian.” Just like this woman:

Break into Mission Control and Draw Dicks On Surface of Mars!



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NASA is closed; no one is manning the gate! Now is your time to Break into Mission Control, grab the joy stick to the Mars Rover and draw more dicks on the surface of the Red Planet! One of the greatest achievements of humanity: landing a robot ambassador on the surface of another planet – and now because of the shutdown we can show the whole galaxy that Americans have the whole package to conquer space with our whole package…  as soon as NASA is refunded. USA! USA! USA!

Trash Day is Canceled: Become a Hoarder



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I assume that since the local government is part of the government that is shut down too. So guess what? No more trash day! While some people might complain that this is going to stink, I say embrace it! Become a hoarder like you’ve always wanted to. That towering collection of used pizza crust and dead cats will no longer be your fault; it will be Obama’s fault. Because after all you can’t be blamed for not taking out the trash if no one is going to be there to pick it up.

Kids Don’t Have To Go To School!



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School’s out for default! You don’t have to send your children to school because school is run by the government and the government is closed (I assume)! Tell them that because of Barrack Obama they don’t have to go to school; this will make them resent the president as much as you do.

Create a Stockpile of Weapons That Would Make Ted Nugent Blush



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You don’t have to register your weapons or do background checks on gun purchases since (I assume) the government agencies that operate those services are closed! Now is the perfect time to stockpile weapons for the coming default apocalypse! No questions asked!

What are you guys going to do now that the government is shut down?!

Follow me! @PhilHaney