As the Obama era winds to a close, Americans of all political persuasions are reflecting on what was, and what could have been. We will leave the assessment of the political accomplishments up to others, as today we gather to remember perhaps the goofiest guy ever to be a heartbeat away from the presidency: Joe “Is It Bad To Eat Paste?” Biden.
Joe Biden always seems as if he is in dire need of a Ritalin IV. During the annual State of the Union address, where he is required to sit behind the president and pretend to pay attention to the whole speech, America kept waiting for the obviously bored VP to take off a shoe and start eating his foot.
Biden’s enduring legacy to vice presidential lore, however, will be as the architect of “Grope and Change.” While we can never know for certain what the early veeps were like, it is probably a safe bet to say that Crazy Joe is the handsiest guy ever to hold the office. It’s almost if Biden is unaware that words can be used to communicate with other human beings and don't require a tactile component to be effective. He grabs. He leans.
He makes a nation feel uncomfortable about itself.
No country should have to worry about what its second most powerful citizen is doing with his tongue at any given moment, especially when he is in public.
Joe Biden’s tongue needs a shock collar and sexual harassment counseling. If he were a Republican, the National Organization for Women would have built a permanent protest condo across the street from his office.
America loves this creepy little scamp though, even those on the other side of the aisle. Whenever another Biden “Moment of EWWWW” surfaced, all guffawed in unison. Sure, a few of us cross our fingers extra hard, hoping that President Obama was taking care of his heart so that we would never have to see Joey Lips in a starring role. We have definitely been in the minority though. Most were taken in by Biden’s boyish, pervy enthusiasm.
Well, those old enough to fight back were anyway.
OK, the male bikers weren’t thrilled with Number Two lap-loving one of the old ladies.
The president himself is a man known for being aloof, detached, and professorial, but even he can’t resist the magic a Biden happy ending.
“...Obama joked that he loves Biden's back massages. 'Those Joe Biden shoulder massages are like magic. You should try one.' [Pause.] 'Oh, you have?'
He added, 'We've gotten so close, in some places in Indiana, they won't serve us pizza anymore.'”
Almost everyone has at least one creepy uncle, and maybe that’s why so many refer to Biden as “Uncle Joe.” They know on a subconscious level that he’s redefining “inappropriate” with each new lingering grab of a stranger. It’s either that or they think he’s a communist.
Are you a communist, Uncle Joe? ARE YOU?!?!?
Even gropey Uncle Joe has some boundaries, right? He must know that some things are most definitely off limits, like other people’s wives.
Ooh...well, at least it’s just one of those shoulder rubs that POTUS yukked it up about.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL THIS SPAZ WHAT CAMERAS DO.
Biden’s tendencies towards “affection” appear to be pathological and overwhelming. What else could explain this painful lingering moment with Hillary Clinton? Bill didn’t touch her this long when Chelsea was conceived.
Joe Biden has made personal space invasion so commonplace during his tenure that the public might be surprised the first time Mike Pence doesn’t offer unwanted tongue to a stranger. There is also the very real possibility that Crazy Joe will so miss the endless work-related opportunities to play grab-ass that he’ll start riding Amtrak again, where he can blend in with all of the other heavy breathers.
So long, Gropey Joe. For some twisted reasons only therapy can eventually reveal, America is going to miss you.
That’s close enough, Mr. Vice President.
Stephen Kruiser is a professional stand-up comic and writer who has had the honor of entertaining U.S. troops all over the world.