The 8 Weirdest Pieces of Presidential Primary Merch

America is in the midst of another long slog of presidential campaigning and that means a ton of money is exchanging hands on all levels of the political spectrum. It starts at the top from wealthy donors who give up millions of their dead parents’ money to candidates who can do them favors to the poorest, grassroots donor who think that their candidate actually know their name because they mailed them a personal check. 

 

Candidates can also raise funds for their campaign by selling merchandise and some can even hurt a candidate they hate with their all of their heart through the same means. Here are some of the stranger bits of presidential swag that are on sale right now during the current campaign season. 

bernies briefs butt

1. Bernie’s Briefs 

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders may be running a campaign that prides itself on taking huge donations from rich donors but he’s still not above selling stuff that PBS affiliates give away during pledge drives to bring in some funding. A supporter from Bernie’s home state wanted to help out by releasing an items that Sanders would never have the guts to release on his own: Bernie Sanders brand underwear. You can buy a set of roomie tighty-whiteys or panties with Bernie’s angry face embossed on the butt in order to donate to his campaign or donate to your future sexual frustration when you forget you’re wearing a pair when you finally get some. 

 

 

2. Hillary Clinton Prayer Candle 

Politics has become such a hot-button topic because certain supporters treat their candidates of choice like they are some kind of divine being chosen to lead them to a new age. This “Saint Clinton” candle made by an Etsy user feeds that belief. It features the former First Lady and New York Senator's face emblazoned on the head of what appears to be the Virgin Mary. If you actually pray to such a thing, please seek help immediately. 

 

3. Jeb Bush Guaca Bowle 

Poor Jeb Bush. He was supposed to be the odds-on favorite to win and now he’s had more gaffes than, well, any other member of the Bush family. Now he’s actually had to cut back on his staff and that means he's running out of money. So it's no wonder that he’s selling items like this guacamole bowl for a whopping $75. Then again, crushing something with your bare hands is probably cathartic for his supporters. 

 

4. Rand Paul NSA Spy Cam Blocker 

The son of Ron Paul has delivered a unique constituency to the GOP presidential primary by planning a campaign on his libertarian roots and immediately turning into every other candidate on the debate stage. He’s raised a lot of awareness about maintaining personal privacy, strict Constitutionalism and the existence of shapeshifters. His philosophy is also reflected in his campaign merchandise such as this piece of plastic that’s supposed to protect you from the invasive eye of the NSA by blocking your spy cam. It’s perfect for the paranoid person in your life who doesn’t want the government to know what they are doing or knows that they can accomplish the same thing with electrical tape. 

chris christie thong

5. Chris Christie Classic Thong 

Having to write any sentence with the words “Chris Christie” and “thong” in it just produce an image that no one needs in their head. So let’s just move on. 

 

6. Donald Trump Butt Plug 

Trump not only runs the world’s greatest, best, most world class campaign of all time but his likeness is also being used to produce some of the world’s greatest, best, most world class marital aids. An artist who’s not too pleased with Trump’s choice of words as he tries to pander his way to the White House decided to express his rage at the man in butt-plug form and produced this work of sexual art. Frankly, a Donald Trump ball gag would have been more satirical and useful. 

 

7. Marco Rubio Plane Ticket 

It’s no secret that presidential candidates have to raise millions of dollars so they can afford to fly their candidate around the country in style. Rubio’s campaign doesn’t even try to add that fact with this not-so-hot ticket item that’s literally a ticket. You can pay for one of Rubio’s plane tickets and in exchange, you’ll get daily updates from his campaign staff on how the campaign is going. So at least you’ll have someone to yell at when his campaign inevitably implodes besides just Rubio’s face on your spittle covered TV. 

 

8. Ted Cruz Poster 

Nothing can make someone cringe more than a square presidential candidate trying to cool to court younger supporters. This Photoshopped poster of Cruz’s head on a tattooed body just makes his look more like that Flanders-esque Dad at the high school prom who tries to dance to this new music that the kids are listening to except people actually like him. 

 

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, blogger, humorist and birth certificate wrangler. He can be found on Twitter @thisisdannyg (https://twitter.com/thisisdannyg).