The 5 Weirdest Olympic Sports You’ve Never Heard Of

The Winter Olympics are not known for having the most mainstream, traditional sports. Unlike the Summer Olympics where people swim, ride bikes and play basketball, the Winter Games offer a pretty crazy assortment of contests that seem like they were created by a deranged, danger loving Eskimo on krokodil. People push stones across ice with brooms, ski with rifles and launch themselves down narrow snow slides while spooning with two dudes.  One of the most insane events happening in Sochi, Russia this year involves belly flopping on a tiny sled down a mountain at 100 MPH, and is aptly named “Skeleton” because the athletes shatter every bone in their skeleton.

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However these are nothing compared to Olympic Demonstration Sports. The Olympic Committee tries out new games each Olympics to see if they are worthy of becoming an official event for next time. It’s like when a girl has sex with you to see if you’re good in bed, but she doesn’t want to get all serious until she sees what her friends say.

Synchronized Skating

If you like all the creepiness of Synchronized Swimming, the pansexuality of Figure Skating, and the crowds at a Black Friday sale then you’ll love this. Synchronized Skating is this year’s demo sport in Russia and it looks like someone threw all the figure skaters on the ice at once so they could get it over with quickly and use the rink for a real sport like curling!

Ski Ballet

Like a movie so bad its good Ski Ballet is the Troll 2 and The Room of Olympic events. Like Brian Boitano’s hair you can’t look away from how awesomely weird this is! It’s figure skating on skis where skiers in frilly outfits are judged on their fancy moves, spins and jumps. Don’t get me wrong; this takes an incredible amount of athleticism, talent and courage to look that completely ridiculous.  Sadly Ski Ballet may have been before its time. They tried getting Ski Ballet in the Olympics in 1988 and 1992 but the committee didn’t see the potential in hosting a sport just for hipsters to “enjoy” ironically.

Speed Skiing

This was a demonstration sport at the 1992 games but ended in tragedy when a speed skier crashed and died during a warm up. Speed Skiing sounds normal enough, but the crazy thing is how fast the skiers go: the current world record is 156 MPH making it the fastest non-motorized sport. The goal is to ski as fast as possible in a straight line while wearing the helmet from The Rocketeer. Sounds fun to me. It’s like when I’m in my crappy Honda and try to go 90MP on the highway and the doors start shaking, but instead I’m a human bullet and it’s my balls that might start rattling off!

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Bandy is pretty much hockey played with a small ball and soccer sized nets. They tried Bandy out in 1952 and everyone had the same question: “Why don’t you assholes just play hockey?” Now we have to learn a whole different game that is just slightly off from what everyone already knows. Bandy is the cricket of hockey! Both of these sports seem like they had their rules translated into Russian and then back again into English, which is lucky since apparently a lot of Russian translates into “in the ass.”


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Skijoring is fun to say as it sounds like the Swedish Chef having a stroke. Skijoring! Bork! Bork! It’s cross country skiing meets dog sled racing where Skijors strap one to three dogs or a horse on a harness to themselves and the animal pulls them along while they push with ski polls. Joining a Skijoring team would make a great backup plan for all those stray dogs in Sochi this year that are being discarded as “biological trash.” Sadly Skijoring isn’t in the 2014 Olympics and was a demonstration sport at the 1928 games in Switzerland. However residents of Sochi play a variation of the game where teams of dogs chase them.

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney