Perverts of the world rejoice. A sex doll brothel just opened in Barcelona, Spain. The brothel, called “Lumi Dolls” allows plastic obsessed patrons to spend an hour or a full sticky night with one of four custom designed sex dolls. Does this sound unsanitary? Absolutely, but fear not. The Daily Mail article on the brothel repeatedly states that the dolls are thoroughly disinfected after every conjugal visit.
Since having sex with dolls is apparently a thing now, I figured this is a great opportunity for me to list off eight action figures that I personally would love to have sex with.
- Cheetarah from the ThunderCats
Cheetarah was always a childhood crush of mine. She’s strong, brave and part cat. I’m aware that she’s a cartoon character and I could never meet her in person, but since having sex with dolls is okay now I guess I’d be on board with making sweet love to a plastic facsimile of Thundera’s fastest resident.
- Raphael from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
When I was a kid, Donatello was my favorite ninja turtle. His mastery of gadgets, use of brains over braun and sweet wooden bo staff made him not just a hero of mine, but a character I personally looked up to. As I’ve grown older and more jaded, my appreciation for Donatello has switched hard to a love for Raphael. Raphael is understated, brooding, and “real” in a way that the other turtles aren’t. All of these are reasons that I would love to have sex with a life sized plastic version of him.
- Optimus Prime from Transformers
I was never a huge Transformers fan and I don’t really love cars, but if I had the opportunity to have sex with a giant plastic Optimus Prime doll I would take it in a heartbeat.
- WWE Raw Superstar Wrestling Ring
If you’ve read any of my articles on Break, you know I love professional wrestling. The slams, the falls, the heels, the faces, the referees and the cheering crowd are all intoxicating to me. Now it would be creepy for me to say I wanted to have sex with a large sex doll patterned after Roman Reigns or Charlotte or Stone Cold Steve Austin, but no one would think twice if I spent the night making rough, passionate sex with a large toy wrestling ring. Maybe it’s the ring from the first Wrestlemania for nostalgia’s sake? Maybe I’m feeling naughty and want to pound the shit out of the ring from ECW’s November to Remember 97? If you’re talking about plastic recreations of wrestling rings that you plan on having sex with, there’s really no wrong answer.
- A Globe
Now I know that a globe technically isn’t an action figure, but this is my fantasy so for arguments sake, it’s an action figure; an action figure that I desperately want to bone. I mean, how cool would it be to have a night of unforgettable sex with a giant plastic globe? You might think I want to do this as a statement on humanity’s effects on the environment when in actuality. That’s not at all. I just think the Earth is pretty hot in a “planet” sort of way.
- LJN Throwback Style John Cena figure
Alright, I know I said having sex with a large plastic figure of John Cena would be creepy, but that was until I laid my eyes on the highly attractive LJN Throwback John Cena figure. The figure’s caricature design is a nostalgic callback to action figures from my youth. I don’t want to have sex with John Cena, the man but John Cena the large plastic action figure? Oh mama. Sign me up.
- Voltorb from Pokemon
I don’t know why I want to have sex with a large plastic Voltorb action figure, but I would absolutely have sex with a large plastic Voltorb action figure.
- Teddy Ruxpin
He’s technically a stuffed animal, but if this list has proven anything it’s that I’m not picky and I would absolutely make love to a large plastic Teddy Ruxpin. It’s fur, hard and cold. It’s mouth, whispering bedtime stories into my ear. If the idea of sleeping with a seven foot tall plastic Teddy Ruxpin doesn’t get your blood pumping directly to your crotch, then I don’t think you know what living truly is.