What sort of weird fetish are you into? There are a lot of well documented ones to choose from. However, I’m not interested in people who have sex with a person while barking like a dog at Malcom in The Middle reruns. We’ve all been there, done that, right? Boring! What I am interested in are people with bizarre unsexy- sex fetishes. So please keep your genitals in your pants and find out what it’s like for a guy who gets wood, from an actual piece of wood. He would definitely not want Pinocchio to become a real boy.
Read this list at your own risk, as you may discover you are “into” something you didn’t know you were into. Reading about sex fetishes is like trying a new culinary cuisine. It’s new and different and full of flavors, but you could also burn your tongue on hot tree sap ejaculating into your mouth. Here are ten of the weirdest:
#1 Dendrophilia, Love of Trees
In recent years news stories of both men and women caught humping trees have made headlines. Which is some tragic Shakespearean drama considering those headlines are printed on a newspaper. This phenomenon is most concerning for The Keebler Elves who now have to fear a giant dick crashing through their living room without warning.
Human men may have some stiff competition if they are dating a girl with Dendrophilia. If you’re with a gal whose last boyfriend was a Red Wood you’d really be barking up the wrong tree. Sure, she’ll say “size doesn’t matter,” but the whole time she is really just pining away for her forest dwelling lover. You could always offer her an olive branch of peace and have a hot three way with a Pike Oak.
#2 Sneaker Destruction, Popping Nike Airs
If you are more of an indoors person, than a simpler fetish like destroying new pairs of Nike Airs might be your thing. The Sneaker Destruction Community gets off from ripping up new Nikes and popping the air max bubble. Popping the bubble is the equivalent of the money shot for these fellas who fight a constant urge to do so. So it’s just like popping a real penis?
Sneaker destroyers love to take razors to new shoes, get them dirty and rip them up for sweet satisfaction. While this may sound violent, shoe destruction does not stem from an abusive relationship, but from romance. When your lover is a sneaker you really have a connection and can peer into their sole. Now when a kid begs his parents for $200 Air Jordan’s it isn’t to impress his friends at school, it’s so he has a date to the prom.
#3 Vorarephilia, Being Eaten Or Swallowed Whole
Voraprephilia or “Vore” is a fetish where people want to be eaten, eat someone else or be swallowed whole in one piece by a giant person or creature. This is a good fetish for you if don’t want to actually have to participate in a fetish, since this one is strictly make-believe. It’s a fetish for lazy people! The Internet has helped spread this fetish with fan fiction, videos and games that let Vores imagine what it’s like to be swallowed whole. This wholesome Vore comic gives you an idea:
This is the result of chemtrails.
If being swallowed whole by a giant frog is too tame for your tastes, you can always become the willing victim of a cannibal. Armin Meiwes was the “Rotenburg Cannibal” who found a Vore who was willing to be killed and eaten. Now when frisky people say “let’s play doctor” they mean Doctor Hannibal Lecter.
#4 Mechanophilia, Sexual Attraction to Machines
“My Car is My Lover” - and there is nothing it can do about it.
A lot of people love their cars and even describe them as “sexy.” But Mechanophilia cranks things into high gear as it is the actual sexual attraction to machines including bicycles, airplanes and cars. In some countries Mechanophilia has become such an issue with Mech heads getting greased up to get their motor running that it’s illegal and can land you on the sex offender list. Which doesn’t seem fair, one guy assaulted a child and another stuck his dick in a gas tank, and now they are on the same list? Where is the justice!?
Herbie Fully Loaded is the “Deep Throat” of the Mechanophilia Community
Just last year a British man was arrested for sexually rubbing himself against a parked Land Rover while drunk. Talk about beer goggles- a Land Rover? He should have at least gone for a petite Fiat or even a Smart Car. He was issued a DUI; Dry Humping While Intoxicated.
#5 Apotemnophilia, Sexual Arousal From Being an Amputee
“Whole” is a documentary that follows one man’s journey to get his leg amputated which is what you’ll have to do in order to sit through this whole movie.
Apotemnophiliais sexual arousal through the fantasy or desire to be an amputee. These people have a strong body integrity disorder where they want to chop off healthy limbs. As for why anyone would want to do this, I’m stumped. Some Amputee fetishists seek out surgeons to remove their limbs; however doctors have an ethical responsibility to do no harm to a patient. At least until the insurance bill comes.
So this is how you get an amputation festish.
Therefore amputee fetishists try and hurt themselves, damaging the limb so doctors will be forced to remove it. This could be a win – win if they donate their severed limb to a Vore who could swallow it whole. This isn’t to be confused with Acrotomophilia, which is getting sexual arousal from other people who are already amputees. That’s like ordering a premade sandwich at the grocery store.
#6 Toxophilia, Sexual Arousal From Archery
Look at the curves on that bow.
Toxophilia or “love of archery” is gaining sexual excitement from bows and arrows. Freud’s head would explode with this one as you can imagine all the sexual imagery of a long phallic arrow penetrating a target …and those tiny feathers.. ooh those feathers. I guess Cupid isn’t the only pudgy naked guy that gets off using a bow and arrow. The Archery event at the Summer Olympics is like ten free hours of the pay per view sex channel for these people.
#7 Pyrophilia, Sexual Gratification From Fire
If you are a Pyrophiliac, this is super vulgar.
Pyrophilia is like pyromania, but you set fires while you also have a boner. Some people who love fire become fire eaters in the circus, fire fighters and burn victims. Sexual gratification from fire and fire starting sounds a little dangerous to me. When experimenting with Pyrophilia always remember to stop, drop and rub one out.
What other fetishes have you “heard about?”
Follow Phil Haney @PhilHaney