7 Trainwreck Teen Stars

You’d think the world had come to an end by the media and social media reaction to Miley Cyrus apparently having some semi-awkward idea of what sexuality means. 

Now she’s in her 20s and is doing nothing people like Madonna or even Prince haven’t done before her, she hasn’t been on a children’s TV show in about 7 years or more and was performing on stage with a guy most famous for a song that’s about convincing a woman rape is OK, but nevermind that!  Miley Cyrus is a terrible train wreck of a human being and, if FOX is to be believed, probably has an eating disorder.  Why?  Because look at her butt.  And she’s not the only one!  Let’s take a look at some more famous train wrecks.

Lindsay Lohan

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Wrecked trains cringe at the sight of Lindsay Lohan, who was once poised to take the world by storm.  If you recall, in the movie Mean Girls not only did Lohan offer up a pretty decent acting job, fact was she was a smoking hot red head which the world could not get enough of.  Then things got rocky when Lohan decided that maybe all the booze and all the drugs ever were her cup of tea.

She went from redhead bombshell to bombed blonde with a string of DUIs and just as many unflattering mugshots and court appearances, combined with a handful of terrible films including her most recent, The Canyons, in which she co-stars with a guy famous for porn who apparently was more professional than her.  It’s a long way down to Lohan Land.

Amanda Bynes

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Another one time super hot chick who made her fame offering up movies for teens, Bynes started getting weird in 2012 with alcohol and drug allegations and then Twitter happened.  Never has a breakdown been so publicly in the hands of the breakee.

Bynes took to Twitter to consistently deny everything ever reported about her while simultaneously being photographed doing what she was denying.  She lamented how everyone was ugly and she needed surgery to make herself not ugly, and then asked Drake if he might consider murdering her vagina.  Last we heard she’d been arrested for setting fires on a stranger’s driveway and had been committed because she’s literally suffering from mental illness.  Her parents had to take over her affairs, Britney Spears style.  Speaking of…

Britney Spears

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The pop princess herself skyrocketed to fame and then hit her head or something.  She married a guy for a few hours, then married the skuzzy pool boy (K-Fed was a pool boy, right?) and had some kids with him before famously shaving her head and literally going insane at a gas station.

Courts put Spears’ father in charge of her affairs and to this day that arrangement is still going on, lest you think her recent reality-TV judge stint is proof she’s in control – she’s not.  Imagine how far gone you have to be as an adult to have the government step in and say you need a babysitter 24/7.  Think of all the boneheads you know right now who have a legal right to be screw ups.  Britney lost that and still hasn’t earned it back.

Jamie Lynn Spears

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For a while there it looked like maybe the Spears family, who we can’t say for sure exploit their children for fame but we can speculate given all the exploitation of their children, might have little sister Jamie to fall back on.  She was wholesome and blonde and starring on a Nickelodeon show for kids – what could go wrong?  Bam!  Teenage pregnancy.

In a move that surprised no one, Little Spears had gotten herself into the big leagues but apparently hadn’t stopped to pick up prophylactics.  It happens.  Her show had to be cancelled because wholesome teen comedies featuring a pregnant girl are more a CBS type show.

Tara Reid

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After the first American Pie movie, people were on the Tara Reid band wagon because she was pretty hot and popular and then she apparently tripped one night while she was out and fell face-first into Jack Daniels, a place she stayed for several years. 

Known as a perennial party girl, there are no small amount of drunken Tara pics out there. In fact, there are enough to make a timeline of her as she appears to be falling apart physically culminating in her red carpet special appearance where her dress “slipped” and exposed her recent breast enlargement that appeared to have been performed by Dr. Frankenstein.  And now she can be seen in Sharknado.

Justin Bieber

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We have to include a man-child in this list for the sake of gender equality and who better than Justin Bieber?  His fame trumps everyone on this list, his fortune is as vast as Scrooge McDuck’s and his ego and douchebaggery seems to know no bounds.  He pisses in mop buckets, he abandons monkeys in foreign lands, starts fights, speeds through his neighborhood in sports cars, is plastered with some of the worst tattoos money can buy and is generally disliked by everyone who isn’t a teen girl.

Is it too late in the game for Justin to do an about face?  Of course not – if he’s smart he can Justin Timberlake his fame and remain relevant for years to come, amassing more of a fortune and actually turning previous haters into fans.  Everyone loathed N Sync for years but Dick in a Box made people love Timberlake.  Bieber needs to take a page from that notebook lest he turn into a Corey Feldman  or, you know, everyone on this list.