There’s a not so old saying that pizza is like sex, even when it’s bad it’s good. This saying was coined by someone who has never truly had either bad sex or bad pizza because folks, it can get pretty bad. Both of them can get bad, but pizza especially and when it’s really bad it’s not good at all.
The problem with pizza is when people try to get clever with it. Make the simple pizza we all know and love – crust, sauce and cheese – and you’re golden. But the more you innovate, the more you risk alienating your diners. And with that in mind, here’s seven of the weirdest innovations people have tried to come up with for that Italian classic. Are they all bad? Maybe, maybe not. But they’re kind of bizarre.
This seems to be a big winner in the Philippines, a country famous for mail order brides and prison inmates putting on dance routines that go viral, which is somewhere above Japan but below Germany, known for its beer and deviant pornography.
The idea behind a pizza cone is that you’re too much of a sloppy man about town to manage regular pizza, what with its tendency to slide out of your hand and scald your genitals with its fiery toppings. So instead you need your crust wrapped up into a child-like cone, filled to the brim with things like cheese, white sauce and fish, and then funneled down your gullet like some kind of Matrix-style food mash meant to sustain but certainly not improve upon your existence.
Japanese Pizza Thing
[[contentId: 2854879| alt: ]]
It’s hard to understand what the thought process behind this pizza was, other than someone being too lazy to eat more than one course at dinner and opting to make everything into one terrifying slab of food. The crust is apparently pigs in a blanket, because, as we know, you just can’t have enough wiener on a pizza, and there are tiny burgers, cheese rolls and maple syrup hidden in the layers of madness here as well. This is what happens when someone actively tries to create vomit before it happens. Thanks, Japan, you guys are swell.
[[contentId: 2854880| alt: ]]
There actually was a time when McDonald’s sold pizza, and it wasn’t stunningly disgusting or anything like that. This, however, may be. The reason this exists is the same reason the Luther burger exists – a hamburger made with Krispy Kreme donuts instead of a bun – because self loathing is almost a sport these days and if you can’t kill yourself with food, then what can you use?
The only reason a person would eat something like this would be due to a bet, drunkenness or mental perversion that’s made them anthropomorphize their stomach and attribute complete asshole characteristics to it. Because they are convinced their stomach is an asshole, they have a desire to humiliate and degrade it in novel and cruel ways.
A regular pizza with lamb on it would most likely be offputting in the same way hugging a man you just met is offputting. Because why would you do that? It’s just not right. But this lamb pizza takes that to a whole new level best identified as “oh God no.” In lieu of an actual crust, this pizza is just made on a slab of lamb. That’s like making a taco by jamming ground beef in your keister. Probably.
The fact the rest of the pizza consists of ham, olives and rosemary ensures that it’s probably only appealing to those strange old men who play chess in the park and the sorts of people who drink sherry.
Rice and Whatever Pizza
[[contentId: 2854881| alt: ]]
Apparently using rice as a crust for pizza is not uncommon in some parts of the world and that’s probably awesome for them. It sounds kind of weird, but having never tasted it, I just don’t know. For all I know, this tastes like delicious bean salad and maybe if I made out with a hobo I’d remember calculus. None of that relates to this mess which takes its weird well beyond a rice crust. Do you know what’s happening here? That’s rice and pork and kimchi. And a fried egg. Toss in some oysters and mouthwash and you might actually win the annual Under The Over Pass Crazy Eyes Cook Off.
For those who don’t know, kimchi is a Korean dish made from fermented hate and vegetables. It goes on pizza in the way an egg goes on pizza. So yes, physically, it can be on a pizza, but morally it has no business there.
Deep Fried Pizza
[[contentId: 2854882| alt: ]]
In Scotland, they don’t like you. As such, they made this dish to teach you a terrible, terrible lesson about trusting Scotsmen and the limits of human endurance. The name isn’t a trick and there’s no hidden secret, it’s just a pizza some uncaring human being has dipped in batter and then tossed into a vat of hot oil.
On the one hand, it seems like everything probably gets better if you deep fry it. Potatoes do, chicken does, even mozzarella cheese does. It almost seems likely that pizza would. But no. For one, pizza dough sucks up oil in a way that’s going to take it from unhealthy to artery-exploding. For another, the Scots are known to serve this with brown sauce. I searched online for about 20 minutes to determine that brown sauce is basically HP steak sauce. That they put on a pizza for you. And it’s called brown sauce. That’s the most appetizing name they could think of. C’mon, Scotland.
Pizza di Spaghetti
[[contentId: 2854883| alt: ]]
This mess comes to us from the Food Network. And not just the Food Network, but Giada de Laurentis, who you may recognize as the cleavage that sometimes pronounces words with a horribly forced Italian accent. We asked our plumber to translate the name of this dish, and apparently it really is just spaghetti pizza.
We’re not sure what part of Italy this thing was hatched in, but it mostly consists of spaghetti that you have to stick together with some egg and then fry up in a pizza shape. Are you salivating yet? We asked Giada to explain herself and this is what she had to say;
[[contentId: 2854884| alt: ]]