After Omar Mateen killed 49 people and wounded 53 in Orlando Florida this past weekend, everyone is talking about now how it could have been prevented, and especially Mateen’s motives. It seems Mateen was just a big ole fan of ISIS who happen to be against the homosexual lifestyle, deeming anyone who is attracted to someone of the same sex as not only a Godless person but someone that should be punished. So here are 7 extremely kickass gay warriors we wish could’ve time travelled back Bill and Ted-style to step in and knock Mateen into next week. That ass-whooping would have been so entertaining.
7. Lawrence of Arabia
That’s right, THE Lawrence of Arabia. Sure, you might know him mainly from the 1962 film where one could just categorize him as a handsome dude who could rock a mean turban but T.E. Lawrence was a badass, and not just because he had a Sheik as a boyfriend. Lawrence was such a badass, he ended up fighting alongside the Arabs against the Turkish on the battlefield even though he was only sent by the British to be a liasion between the British and the Arabs. One of the more memorable leading moments Lawrence had in helping to gain the Arabs independence from Turkey was when he took down 70 Turkish soldiers in one evening. He also accomplished this while the soldiers were on a damn train. This guy’s like a fucking action hero!
6. Alexander The Great
Alexander the Great was the Justin Bieber of his time. Okay, maybe that’s a bad comparison but he did inherit his throne at the young age of 20. In present day, that’s like getting a million followers on Twitter before you could legally drink! Beyond being one of the youngest warriors ever, Alexander has the reputation of being totally undefeated in battle for 15 years (I repeat, 15 years worth of battles) and is considered to be one of military’s most successful leaders ever. And as a young successful pimpin’ leader might do in Ancient Greece, The Great had a few side pieces including some young men by the name of Hephaestion and Bagoas.
Alexander was often viewed, even during his time as King, as being superhuman and even had Aristotle as a damn teacher. Alexander won his first battle at the age of 18. Bad…ass.
5. The Spartans
Remember the movie 300 every bro couldn’t stop talking about? Yeah, a lot of those Spartans way back in the 400’s of B.C. were actually gay, and that’s alright because the Spartans still KICKED ASS. Sparta was known as a warrior society where you entered a tough military service at the age of 7, referred to as the Agoge, which emphasized “obedience, endurance, courage and self-control”. They would then grow to become professional soldiers as a full time gig, and that was without health benefits and paid vacation.
Even though the Spartans only weapons were either swords or long spears, they still managed to kick the asses of their enemies until 371 B.C., or until they were allowed to retire from combat by the age of 60.
4. The Sacred Band of Thebes
This kickass band of soldiers was comprised of 150 pairs of men…who just happened to be lovers. Created around 324 B.C. and led by General Pelopidas, this group of warriors actually defeated the badass Spartans in the Battle of Leuctra. The Sacred Band also had probably one of the more fun versions of training of all time; wrestling and dancing. Yeah, that sounds way better than any training I’ve seen in Full Metal Jacket. They were more like the fun-loving Stripes of their era.
However they were mainly known for their tactic of defeating anyone who dared battle them, attacking and killing the leader of their enemies first. It’s been said that they were one of the stronger groups of warriors ever. Not because of their weaponry or fighting methods but because of their bond with each other.
3. Harmodius & Aristogiton
These two gay men were the first in history to stand up for democracy overthrow tyranny in Athens. No, they didn’t have an army to do it, they just did it their own damn selves! Thanks to these two dudes, Athenian democracy began after the take down of tyrants Hipparchus and Hippias who ruled Athens at the time. They hatched a plan which led to the death of Hipparchus and thus the end of the brothers’ ruling.
Athens celebrated the men so much so that they put their faces on the city’s coin. It’s been said that their image on this coin is the equivelant to the Statue of Liberty to America at the time in terms of patriotism to their country. Almost forgot to mention one other badass thing about these two men. You see those two statues in the above photo? The statues are known as the first public monuments to individual people in the history of the world.
Achilles, a Greek hero of the Trojan war was an overall badass, but you might know him as Brad Pitt in the 2004 movie Troy. Achilles had an impressive list of accomplishments including taking down the Trojan Hero Hector during the Trojan war. Legend has it Achilles was invulnerable to pain throughout his body aside from his heel, which took an arrow later in his life. This small wound eventually led to his death and coined the term “achilles heel”. Not too shabby to be a badass warrior AND get a body part named after you!
According to mythology, Achilles was also extremely loyal, extraordinarily strong and courageous. However, he was never married to Angelina Jolie.
1. General von Steuben
Let’s bring this list back to America, shall we? Steuben served as a Major General during the American Revolutionary War and served as George Washington’s chief of staff, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg of Steuben’s accomplishments. Washington actually knew Steuben was a homosexual and hired him after he was forced to resign from the Prussian Army due to his sexuality. From there, he served with Washington and trained his troops, and in fact wrote the U.S. Drill Manual which was used until the War of 1812. A general AND a damn writer?!
Steuben taught soldiers that it’s less about how much you do during battle and more about precision and methodology. And this is what led to him being such a successful warrior and General on the battlefield. Oh, he was also placed on the 2 cent stamp for being so damn kickass.