The birth of the latest member of the British Royal Family has been in the news for days now. Days. The baby itself is presumed to be human and possessing the traditional number of heads. It is in no way more significant than any other baby aside from the fact it is being born into a family that, some generations ago, used to wield great influence in a country on the other side of an ocean. If you care about the birth of this baby and are not directly related to either the Prince or Kate Middleton, you may be insane.
Because this baby is stealing the thunder of literally thousands of other babies, we decided to do this post in honor of the great babies who came before who ain’t getting no respect.
The foul-mouthed, sex-starved and cigar-smoking baby made famous in Who Framed Roger Rabbit is easily twice as interesting as the Royal Baby. For instance, the Royal Baby is probably not foul-mouthed, sex-starved or a cigar smoker. That kid probably won’t even be a cartoon. Good luck maintaining your fame, kiddo.
Sucker Punch should have been a much better movie than it was, but what it lacked in story and structure it made up for in hot chicks doing violent things. And what hot chick did more impressively violent things than Babydoll. Oh man. Added bonus is that she is an adult and she’s hot. Good luck competing, Royal Baby who is an actual baby and therefore dull.
Infamous mobster and part of the new face of crime that ushered in the era of the FBI, Baby Face Nelson was a robber and murderer and killed more FBI officers than anyone else, a dubious honor if ever there was one. The Royal Baby? Pfft, they don’t even have the FBI in Britain.
This Boob Loving Baby
How can you not respect someone with that much passion to see boobs? You could argue that, as a baby, he doesn’t really know what he’s doing but just between us, he knows what he’s doing. Kids know to give their loyalty. The Royal Baby is probably just going to be all “Oh mother, might I have a little nip of the old titty, I’m rather parched” and then his mother will give him a Royal Doulton mug with warm milk and honey in it along with a scone.
This Poor British Baby
Need to invest yourself in a British child? This poor kid was just waiting for his dad when he got clipped in the face with the mail. And that mailman rocketed that stuff in there, that was a quality jab in the chops with Better Homes and Gardens, that kid went down like a Catholic girl on prom night, it wasn’t pretty. Do you think the mailman is going to do that to the Royal Baby? Probably not.
Kung Fu Baby
In his own head, this kid is probably trying to indicate he needs to poop, but this is the best he can do with sharing that info. Nonetheless it looks like he’s trying to shine someone on Kung Fu style and the Royal Baby probably won’t even know Tae Kwon Do.
There are any number of reasons to care more about this baby than the Royal Baby. First, its parents put it on the ground with a cobra. Never do that to a baby. Secondly, it gets attacked by the cobra. It seems to be toothless and devenomed, but that can’t be good having an animal trying to murder you. Think that’ll ever happen to the Royal Baby? No. At worst it’ll have to endure a bunch of Corgis and maybe the odd hedgehog, but after that it’ll likely be kept away from nature in general. Royals hate nature, as far as any of us know.