60 Minutes Just Got Sexy (or Really Gross)

When you think of sex on TV you probably don’t have 60 Minutes high on your list, due in no small part to its tendency to feature correspondents who are basically the exact opposite of sex, such as Andy Rooney and Morley Safer.  Also on that list is Steve Kroft, 69 year old journalist and nine time Emmy award winner for his investigative journalism.  What kind of stuff does he investigate?  Champagne in his mistress’ ass, apparently.

The National Enquirer did a little investigative reporting of its own and discovered some text messages between Kroft and lawyer Lisan Goines.  The details of their relationship are just precious and yes, I’ll make mockery of some of their exchanges in just a moment, but we need to address the big headline most media outlets have been running with, and that is the aforementioned butt champagne.  Gawker.com includes this excerpt from the Post which is in turn taken from the physical copy of the Enquirer story.  It reads as follows;

One time, he was “pouring champagne in her behind and drinking the bubbly,” the report claims.

Now in the paragraph that leads into this, written by Gawker staffers, they say “…an incident where Kroft quaffed some champagne he had poured down Goines’ backside.”

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At the risk of making everyone uncomfortable, it needs to be pointed out that those are two very different scenarios being described and, it seems, mistaken for one another.  Whether by omission and poor word choice, or by seriously not even contemplating what that first quote could mean, what we have here is an event, a curious moment between two people in a sexual relationship, that is hinged entirely on whether the appropriate word to use is “in” or “on.”  Because, in this situation, those things are so very, very different and, in turn, make this story either one of a typical affair or some straight up freaktatsic stuff.

Do any of us really want to know if he drinks champagne off of his mistress or out of her?  Gods know.  That’s not just private, that’s weird.  He’s 69 and looks like a tired hounddog.  But it’s out there now and you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.

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The story goes on to share a few more lurid details of the affair, including this charming exchange;

At one point, the hard-working TV journalist, who has a son with Conant, lamented his long hours on the job, the report said. “Working late. Just ordered out. Would rather be eating your pudding,” he allegedly wrote.

This whole thing was shared as “news” but also on some level to shame this man, but I applaud that last line.  So this guy had an affair.  In the general workings of our society, we frown on this.  It’s a betrayal and dishonesty between partners who are supposed to be honest with each other.  We get that and, if his wife is not down with him having a woman on the side and he did it behind her back, he may deserve a bit of scorn and the label of scumbag.  But that aside, for a dude who’s almost 70 to parlay some casual chat about a crappy workday into some top shelf innuendo like that, not bad.  Not bad at all.  I mean, it’s still a little gross, but that was seamless.

Kroft is married to journalist Jenny Conant and Goines is also married, so this news is likely not very welcome to either one of them.  But hey, if you don’t want to get caught you shouldn’t be doing things you don’t want people to know about in the first place.  Here’s hoping everyone and their pudding get out of this as quickly and painlessly as possible.