We’re just about ready to kiss 2013 goodbye and start a brand new year in the future full of jetpacks and robot hookers. New jobs, new loves, new adventures and new news. Except not that last one. If you’ve been paying attention, the news likes to keep telling us the same stories over and over again. And over. In fact, you can read the same stories from 2013 that you read in 2012 and 2011 and even 2010. So it’s safe to assume you’ll see each and every one of these stories pop up again in 2014. Just wait for it. In the meantime, here’s a refresher.
Every year E! has to justify its existence by extensively covering the mental breakdown of someone who used to be in the public eye. If it’s a good year we might get more than one breakdown (which is why Amanda Bynes isn’t on this list right now, we doubled up in 2013). Rest assured 2014 will give us another celebrity who goes mental, just like these ones in past years.
2013: Shia Labeouf – Poor Shia. He started his celebrity life on a Disney show called Even Stevens then hit the big time in Michael Bay’s Transformers. Yes, it was ridiculous, but it was huge. The Beef was huge. He made two sequels and even got in an Indiana Jones movie, what more could you ask for? Apparently a lot.
LaBeouf ended 2013 as a noteworthy plagiarist when it came to light he stole an entire movie from a comic book, along with a whole series of other so-called original works. How did he make amends? A series of plagiarized apologies. No one understands what his deal is anymore, but it’s safe to assume his career has take a major hit.
2012: John McAfee – Yes, the John McAfee. OK, so no one really knows who he is but he’s the man who invented McAfee computer security software. There may be bigger celebrities out there but his meltdown was way more awesome. How awesome? He was on the run from authorities in Belize after his neighbor was shot in the neck. Imagine Kim K doing that.
2011: Charlie Sheen – You probably still remember this insanity-fueled circus that took up a huge chunk of 2011, after Sheen ranted his way off of Two and a Half Men and then ceased even trying to make sense for the next 6 months as he went on tour screaming about winning and tiger’s blood and hookers.
2010: Mel Gibson – We knew Mel Gibson was a bit of an anti-Semite already in 2010, but this was the year his ex released some insane phone messages he’d left her in which it became clear that Gibson doesn’t hate Jews, he may literally hate everyone and everything that isn’t Mel Gibson. With attacks on women, homosexuals, black people and probably haberdashers and mailmen, Mel just went off the deep end and now, well, when’s the last time you saw Mel in a big budget movie?
Massive Political Screw Up
Politics never stops and, unfortunately, it long ago stopped being about we the people and is often more about me the greedy. Politics is a shitshow and no one is in it to help you, just themselves. But on the upside, it sure is funny when a politician falls from grace, and it happens a lot thanks to the fact they all seem to be scumbags. You can only have so many scumbags in one place for so long before their true colors surface. Expect more of the same in 2014 as every politician tries to make every other politician look like crap.
2013: Rob Ford – The mayor of Toronto smokes crack. This is a fact.
2012: Mitt Romney – Does 47% ring any bells? Mitt Romney flew close to the White House then crashed and burned when it became clear to everyone, even his own party, that he was less human than a toaster and could relate to no one at all anywhere. He’s basically Mr. Burns’ handsome, younger self.
2011: Herman Cain – For a time, Herman Cain looked like the Republican front runner and maybe one day President. But then oops, turns out running a pizza place means you have no idea how to run a county, and neither does sexually harassing anything that gets near you with a vagina, as Cain seemed to be doing.
2010: Christine O’Donnell – Remember her? She was the darling of the Tea Party for a brief period of time until it came to light she may have been a witch and also had almost no understanding of politics and once ran on some kind of anti-masturbation platform. Yeah, go figure.
Celebrities Who Died Who You Thought Were Already Dead
Every year end roundup requires a good overview of people who died that year and every year you find out someone was still alive who you swore died a decade ago.
2013: Peter O’Toole – I know, right? Lawrence of Arabia was still around.
2012: Andy Griffith – Mayberry was still alive in 2012. Amazing.
2011: Jack Lalanne – He sold juicers and he wore velvet jumpsuits.
2010: Rue McLanahan – the skankiest of the Golden Girls left us in her 76th year
Fake Outrage of the Year
The most peculiar stories the media will cover are those ones where people get outraged, or at least pretend to, when the rest of us don’t give a shit because what they’re reporting is mostly smoke being shot up our asses. The story is all BS and there’s barely any real news involved, and yet it stays in the public eye for days, if not weeks.
This is the Duck Dynasty cast before they pretended to be hairy rednecks on a TV show.
2013: Duck Dynasty – The newest outrage but the biggest BS outrage of the year, some old fart being kicked off of Duck Dynasty for anti-gay remarks. Do you watch Duck Dynasty? Does anyone who pretended to care about this? It’s not a First Amendment issue, he was on a TV show which isn’t beholden to the First Amendment at all, it was just a BS talking point.
2012: Bath Salts – The biggest story of 2012 that was total bullshit, bath salts zombies. Except none of those people were actually on bath salts and no, bath salts don’t make you insane. Media doesn’t care about that, though.
2011: Birtherism (again) – Thank Donald Trump for this being an issue – just what country was Barack Obama born in? America. Everyone knows it, stop being a dingus.
2010: Pastor Terry Jones – Much like Duck Dynasty, this also involved an ignorant redneck. In this case, Pastor Terry Jones was going to burn copies of the Quran and it became such an international crap storm it was blamed for terrorist attacks in the Middle East and American military officials had to ask Jones to shut his damn mouth because he was putting American lives at risk – all for some backwater preacher who didn’t deserve the attention.
Important News No One Seemed to Care About
For every bullshit story that gains huge media coverage, there are other stories which are met with shrugs. Big stories. Really big stories.
2013:NSA Spying – Possibly the biggest and strangest story not just of 2013 but of recent memory, the NSA spies on each and every one of us and public reaction has been similar to how you’d react if you found out your neighbor masturbates with ham. Like it’s uncomfortable knowledge to have, but you’re not going to move or anything.
2012: 2000 soldiers dead in the 11th year of the Afghan war – While everyone was focused on the war in Iraq and making sure America left as soon as possible, Afghanistan kept rolling along killing people.
2011: Rupert Murdoch’s empire is built on lies and deception – Huge scandal for British media and the knowledge that Rupert Murdoch, the man behind FOX, was running an empire that had basically no ethics at all. And yet it keeps going.
2010: Haitian earthquake –Three years later and people are still living in squalor, tons of charity donations went missing and half the debris is still being removed.
A New Flash in the Pan
These days we call them “viral stars” but what we really mean is what I titled this entry. They show up, we make fun of them, they go away. We get a new big one every year.
2013: Drake Hands Guy – He was out man of the year, even though judging by the comments no one thought our video was funny. I thought it was funny.
2012: Tan Mom – This woman was a freak.
2011: Rebecca Black – Friday. It ended.
2010: Antoine Dodson – Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo 15 minutes.