Yesterday the news broke that Gal Gadot had been cast as Wonder Woman in the movie everyone currently hates because Ben Affleck is in it as Batman. There’s also rumors floating around about the presence of The Flash in the movie and that means, basically, The Justice League is about to be formed on screen. Yes, DC is desperately, transparently and arguably not as successfully trying to copy what Marvel did with the Avengers, only a couple of years later.
What DC has going for it that Marvel never had when it conceived the Avengers is one thing and one thing only – Batman. Batman was a household name for years. No one knew jack about Iron Man. Batman has enough goodwill to carry a whole franchise, maybe. But DC must be careful. You can only toss so many Hawkeyes into your Avengers before people think your team sucks wind. If DC wants to be as successful as Marvel, they can only include the best of the Justice League. Which means we better not get a whiff of these characters.
First, kudos on the name. No one likes to have to think too hard about a character. Like Batman, is he a bat and a man? Hard to say. Tattooed man is really just an accurate description of about 80 million Americans.
As you guessed, Tattooed Man has tattoos. What you could never guess is that he uses his tramp stamps to battle other super people, because nothing terrifies a person who shoots lasers out of their eyes like a guy whose koi fish tattoo can come to life and try to bite you. Indeed, Tattooed Man’s power is that he’s covered in tattoos that can come to life and fight. And yes, he’s using a barbed wire whip in that picture, to drive home the message that he’s terrible.
As a fun side note, Tattooed Man is generally a villain, so he actually uses those tattoos for evil somehow. But after using his tattoos to save the Earth (no, really) he was granted honorary status in the Justice League so that his misspelled kanji can benefit all us normal people.
Godiva is presumably named after the noblewoman who rode naked through the streets to protest taxation. The slight difference in the DC Comics version is that this character has prehensile hair. I want you to let that soak in for a second. That’s her sole power.
Try to imagine Batman if Batman’s power was prehensile hair. He leaps down into an alley, a living shadow, and confronts the Joker. The Joker cackles madly, a detonator in his hand, about to destroy the largest building in Gotham and kill thousands. Deftly, Batman whips his hair back and forth like Willow Smith and his dark dreadlocks of Justice lash out at the insane villain, who shakes his head and uses a pair of scissors to render Batman harmless before continuing his killing spree.
There’s nothing more to talk about here. She has prehensile hair. It’s like having your head covered in monkey tails. Superhero is quite a loose term.
Clearly designed in the 1970s, Vibe is not just a nickname for a sex toy, he’s a gang member. You can tell because, as a 70s character, he’s not white. And non-white characters from the 70s had to all be vaguely culturally insensitive. In Vibe’s case, his real name is Paco Ramone, he wears sunglasses all the time, has “breakdancing” listed as one of his powers and he was the leader of a gang called Los Lobos. Los Lobos, you might recall, was the band that performed the soundtrack to the movie La Bamba.
At this point, Vibe could have had the power to uppercut Superman through 1,000 suns and it wouldn’t matter because his set up is so lame no one would want to see that comic. Plus you’ll notice his costume treads that fine light between WWE wrestler costume and stripper costume.
Comic books have a real thing for apes. I wish I could account for it but we have characters like Apex-X, Gorilla Grodd, Titano the Super Ape, Cy-Gor and, literally, dozens of others. I have to assume comic book writers love monkeys as much as I do.
Unlike most gorillas, Congorilla is a great golden gorilla (don’t ask) who has the consciousness of Congo Bill inside of it. I refuse to continue explaining how Congo Bill came to be inside of this gorilla, just trust that it’s a sad story and the result is this guy is a gorilla. Also unlike most gorillas, Congorilla is immortal. He’s kind of like the Jesus of apes except, at the end of the day, he’s still an ape.
Is this not the most confused half sexy thing you’ve seen today? They start drawing her like she’s a hot comic book chick, and then she has a penis helmet. Worse than this is her character backstory which involves her husband, obsessed with superhero porn, attempting to become a hero himself but suffocating himself with this metal skin you see covering pinhead here. The same substance nearly killed her but she was wearing her wedding ring and thus doctors were able to access some skin and save her from being smothered to death by the metal covering her body. Which, I shall remind you, covered her body as a result of hr husband’s obsession with superhero porn.
So her husband is dead and is exposed as a pervert who was having an affair with a superhuman porn star. But at least she got invited to the Justice League.
Look at that picture of the character from the comic books, who is basically a weretasmanian devil. Kind of cool, right? Now here’s a real Tasmanian Devil.
There is nothing intimidating about a real Tasmanian Devil. Apparently they’re ferocious little buggers, but so are Chihuahuas sometimes. Come on.