If you are sick and tired of the convenience of purchasing already formed chocolate for 99 cents in bar and /or ball form at your local drug store, well than you are in luck! Hershey’s has teamed up with an advanced technology firm, 3D Systems to develop and market the world’s first consumer grade diabetes home delivery system, that also serves as a 3D chocolate printer.
A Chocolate Anus
You might worry about your home made chocolate tasting like crap, but now you have to worry about it looking like a crap hole. A company in Britain has brought new meaning to the term “Hershey Highway” with their delectable “Edible Anus.” At $36 bucks a puckered pop, you may want to 3D print your own edible chocolate anus. Or you could print other body parts like the small intestines to show the kids where the chocolate anus they are eating travels before it gets to an actual anus. Honestly though, after you’ve printed a bangable 3D chocolate anus why would the printer need to print anything else?
A Chocolate Gun
You’ll be going postal over how cool it would be to create your own chocolate guns. The good folks at ChocolateWeapons.com don’t want you to blow your brains out but they might make you blow your diet with these tasty firearms. Trade in your gun powder for cocoa powder and you could even make some chocolate grenades and bullets with these NRA approved snacks that will fight for your right to bear deliciousness. With your Hershey’s 3D Printer you could replicate your own arsenal of chocolate weapons but don’t tell ChocolateGuns.com that or you might need to make an actual workable 3D Printed gun for self-defense, especially after making all those chocolate gun puns.
A Lifelike Chocolate Bust
A lifelike chocolate bust of your buddy is a great present if you’re friends with a megalomaniac like Kanye West who would enjoy licking his own face. But if you’re like me and have more enemies than friends, what’s the best use of a chocolate bust?
A. Carpool lane dummy that doubles as a quick commuter breakfast.
B. Give a homeless person food and/or someone to talk to instead of the voices.
C. Create a delicious recreation of a cannibal tribe with human heads on spikes that will attract vermin, thus keeping people away.... holy shit, I'm starting to think there are absolutely no non-crazy things you can do with a chocolate printer!
D. Walk into your boss’s office with a small box that you place on his desk. Ala the film “Seven” he asks “what’s in the box?” However instead of Brad Pitt’s wife, it’s your boss’s head. “You are.” You reply. To his horror you make loud growling noises and begin to act out what you have fantasized about for months, which would otherwise get you arrested. However instead of flesh you are merely sinking your teeth into some delicious Hershey’s chocolate, while literally tearing the smirk off that bastard’s face.
A Wearable Chocolate Dress, Girl Not Included
- If you’re a couple and the edible anus is a little too naughty for you than a chocolate dress is fun, sexy way to say “I love you, eat this dress off of me. I hope you die from Theobromine Poisoning, which is caused from eating too much chocolate.”
- If you’re a single lady you could wear the chocolate dress to a fancy party and enjoy all the guys staring at you all night as they desperately try to find the thermostat to turn up the heat in hopes of melting the chocolate and exposing your natural treats.
- If you’re a single dude, you could wear this dress in your mom’s basement while you tuck between your legs, giving your best Buffalo Bill impression while slowly eating the dress off yourself as you watch in the mirror.
A Chocolate Keyboard
By 3D printing a computer keyboard made of chocolate you can demonstrate to everyone exactly how we will actually use this amazing technology; to create the grossest fucking thing anyone could make out of food including chocolate anuses. Keyboards are five times dirtier than toilet seats and can have 150 times the acceptable level of bacteria. If you were to make an edible computer keyboard, you might as well put the floor of a Tijuana strip club in your mouth.
A Cocaine Skull
If you have been eating all of these chocolate monstrosities then about now you are having sugar crash and you need a little something to pick you up. No problem; instead of chocolate candy load your 3D printer with some nose candy! You can print a human skull made from cocaine just like a Dutch artist did! Now you can perform the most intense, awesome version of Hamlet ever staged in a living room!
For more ideas of how to 3D Print weird stuff with chocolate follow Phil Haney on Twitter! @PhilHaney