Humans have been having sex since at least the 1860s when it was unintentionally invented by a mysterious gypsy lady with a lazy eye and her morbidly obese curse victim/lover. Since then it’s been enjoyed thoroughly by all kinds of people except those who have been sacrificed to the wrinkled dong altar of Larry King. The problem, if there is one, is that you can only have sex so many ways. My research suggests there are three positions, two of which I was very interested in and one of which involves Icy Hot and verbal degredation. It was bound to get boring eventually. Luckily human ingenuity is there to assist with sexual technology. After all, why have sex with just a fleshy partner when you can somehow include batteries, right? Right.
Bust out your notebooks and get ready to jot down some bullet points as we cover some of the best recent technological innovations in the world of sex.
Sex with Glass
At first glance, sex with glass sounds like the title of the third act in a Saw movie, but that’s not the case. The Glass we’re referring to is Google Glass, that abominable device that, in all honesty, barely anyone is actually going to want to use because it’s completely unnecessary. However, now you can use it when you’re having sex. In fairness you could have used it before, but now there’s an app called Sex with Glass. Ironically, if you can actually get anyone to have sex with you whilst wearing Google Glass, you really don’t need any sexual perks, you’ve clearly mastered the art of seduction and/or roofies.
The idea is you and your partner both put on a pair of glasses and then start the app which allows you to see yourself from your partner’s perspective. Haven’t you always wanted to look at yourself while having sex? Because you’re a terrible, creepy narcissist? It’s like a mirror on your ceiling, only this time right in your face, blocking the view of the person you’re having sex with. How exciting!
Ladies, what have your panties been missing all these years? A flap in the back for emergencies? No. The answer is a Bluetooth controlled vibrator that someone else can operate remotely. For fun at parties and a dull day in the office, just put on a pair of the panties and anyone you so choose can control them via their smartphone from pretty much anywhere in the world. You’re at their mercy until you either get changed or accidentally sit in a puddle. Is this where we insert the obvious dirty joke? Nope, I’m better than that. Just kidding! This entire idea revolutionizes the nature of wrong numbers by sending them straight to your fleshy inbox and that puddle you’ll be sitting in when you short out will be 100% home grown. Awesome! Or gross, I leave that up to you.
Bill Gates is concerned with what your weiner is up to and as such recently awarded a substantial chunk of cash, via the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, to researchers at Manchester University who are confident they can use graphene to make the world’s most awesome condoms.
What’s so awesome about a graphene condom? Well, graphene is one of those new super substances that science is just beginning to play with and make everything out of. It’s only an atom thick, super strong and super conductive. That means a condom made with graphene would be the thinnest condom ever, nearly impossible to break, and conduct body heat with ease so it feels like you’re not wearing anything. It’s the next best thing to no condom, given that no condom also leads to pregnancy or the Clap.
Slap on your ultra thin graphene condom and you’re instantly having the most natural feeling safe sex you’ve ever experienced with the added bonus of potentially having your mind wander to Bill Gates just as you get off. Not that we’re suggesting that was Gates’ plan or anything.
Mike Wylie may not be a name you recognize, but he’s been on the front line of sex for years now – he’s one of the scientists responsible for Viagra. And though he may have rode a wave of creepy self-satisfaction after ensuring your grandpa could have sex again, he didn’t rest for long. Wylie is back and looking to further improve sex for the sexless with a new drug called Tempe. Does it harness the sexual prowess of a small Arizona city? Even better, it contains some low-grade anesthetic that numbs your junk and prevents the scourge of premature ejaculation. During testing it was found that men who used the spray lasted up to five times longer in bed than they had before, which means women around the globe will be potentially losing another 4 minutes and change out of their day. My girlfriend has already set aside 3 minutes a week on Sunday mornings and we’ve never been more excited.
The spray has a chance of causing headaches and a burning sensation but look at it this way, if the alternative is popping your cork after 30 seconds, can you really complain?
You ever sign up for a dating site, not because you literally want to date, you just want to have sex? And then you have to make a profile with a clever name, and some kind of tag line, and photos, and your interests and hobbies as if anyone gives a shit that you like to play Minecraft and write sex-themed blogs on Break.com, and you search your town after you finally get signed up and you’re pretty sure 2/3 of all the profiles are fake but you message them anyway just in case, and no one ever writes back and you get angry and go drink alone? Me neither.
If you want to avoid all that madness, there’s Pure. It’s a simple app for your phone that has stripped the act of getting laid down to just saying “I want to get laid” and waiting for someone else to say “let’s do this.” You sign up, say you’re a man looking for a woman (or whatever applies to you) state whether you can do it at your place or need to go to their place or a hotel, and attach a pic. That’s it. The philosophy behind the app is that basically “come on.” You’re adults, sex doesn’t have to involve a lasting commitment, you’re smart enough to know what you’re getting into, so let’s drop all the BS pretense you’ll have to endure on other websites or in a bar and just get to what you all actually want. The craziest thing about this innovation is that it took someone this long to come up with it.
Of course Pure doesn’t seem to offer stats on how many people are using the service and even though all the media really pushes how easy this is for women to use, how no one sees your info unless you mutually agree that you find each other attractive, how it weeds out those with different interests, the fact is women get asked to bone by strangers all the time so an app that does the same thing isn’t going to be that appealing, especially since research shows women are less likely to hook up with dudes for casual sex, not because they’re stuck up or prudish but because most dudes suck, apparently, and can’t guarantee that the woman will end the experience satisfied. But hey, maybe this app can somehow overcome generations of male/female interaction. Or maybe this will just be really popular for gay men.
OK, so strictly speaking we don’t have sex robots yet. Yes, we have hyper realistic sex dolls like Real Dolls that look almost real, can be custom designed in almost any way you can imagine from skin tone to hair color, hip size, gel implants in the butt, eye color, hinged jaws and swappable faces. It’s a crazy, weird world. And they cost in the thousands of dollars. But they’re still not robotic. Not yet, anyway.
Paving the way for sex robots is the Japanese company Ressentiment, which has combined the Oculus Rift virtual reality device with a robotic arm and a Tenga (think of a Fleshlight) that allows you to immerse yourself in a dirty Manga game while the robot arms work your crank. So you’re seeing a Manga character doing what you’re feeling in real life. It’s kind of creepy, but it had to start somewhere. As it evolves we’ll likely get more realistic and interactive sex bots and the whole experience will still be exactly as creepy as it is right now. Anyone who tells you different is probably humping a robot and therefore not to be trusted.
Ian Fortey never has sex with the toaster and doesn't even know what you're talking about. Follow hm on Twitter @holytaco