Saint Patrick’s Day is a holiday for booze lovers to drink tons of green beer until they throw up tons of green vomit, but what’s a sober person to do on this drinking holiday?
Here are a few fun tips and activities the straight-edge teetotalers among us can participate in to have a liquor-free good time on Saint Patrick's Day.
Rob A Bank
With all of the drinkers glugging it up at the local bar, there is no one to watch the nation’s banks. Even if a security guard got a text that said “officer, all of these sober people are robbing a bank, please help” the officer won’t even read it because he’ll be too busy wearing a green buckled hat and dancing a jig or whatever.
Steal A Bunch Of Cars
Now that Uber exists, I guarantee all of the town drunks will leave their cars at home, completely unguarded from your steady, sober hands. Added bonus, the cops will be manning drunk check points so even if someone noticed that you were stealing their 2016 Maserati, it’ll take hours before the police can catch you. It pays to have cunning, a fast car and wits unaltered by booze.
Break Into Someone’s House And Move All Of Their Furniture
Drunk people aren’t the best when it comes to details, so they’ll be really confused when they come home and find all of their furniture in different positions, or glued to the ceiling, or upside down. Since Saint Patrick’s partiers won’t leave for the bar until around 9pm and they probably won’t be home until about 2am, that gives you and your sober friends nearly 5 hours to break into people’s homes and rearrange their furniture in an effort to entertain your beer deprived brain.
Change The Lyrics To Metallica Songs
This really only works if you are noted straight-edge musician and founder of the metal band Metallica, James Hetfield. If you are James Hetfield, you could slightly change the lyrics to every Metallica song to prank the other, pickled members of the group. That vodka-stinking lush Lars Ulrich will be too drunk to notice as you sit, giggling over the official Metallica song book, changing the lyrics of “Enter Sandman” to “Exit Buttpoop.”
Make Cheeseburgers For Your Drunk Friends
Or you could just make cheeseburgers and steak for your drunk friends. They’ll be sick in the morning and greasy, grabbable drunk food will really help them out.
And then when they’re unconscious, steal their wallets. Sobriety rules!