5 Reasons a Justin Bieber Retirement Would Be a Disaster

ButtHurt by ButtHurt on Dec. 19, 2013

 

 

Unless you’re an 11-year-old girl or a 50-year-old San Diego Chargers fan, you were probably delighted when Justin Bieber announced his “retirement.” For a brief moment, all seemed right with the world.

Of course, within 24 hours, the singer’s publicist had retracted the announcement. After all, 19-year-old multimillionaire pop stars do not retire, at least not while there’s still money to be made for coked up music executives. Sure, someday down the road the music industry may discard a degenerate heroin addict who used to be Justin Bieber. But for now, even if the kid wanted to leave the business, there’s no way they’d let him. And honestly, it’s for the best.

Don’t get me wrong. The only thing better than a world without Justin Bieber’s music would be a world without Justin Bieber. But this supposed “retirement” would have had unintended consequences that would have shaken this country to its very core. Don’t believe me? Well here are five examples of why Justin Bieber’s retirement would have been a disaster.

5. We’d End Up Seeing More Bieber

Question: What happened when it was announced that Twinkies were going to be discontinued? Everyone went ape shit. People who hadn’t even thought about the product since George H. W. Bush was in office were tripping over each other to buy a cream filled piece of shortbread. Why? Because scarcity sells.

At this point, the only thing that’s going to kill Justin Bieber’s career is a slow, natural progression. Eventually, overexposure takes its toll. And given his recent scandals involving South American hookers and piss-filled mop buckets, one could argue that the Bieber backlash has already begun. But a retirement would undo all that. He’d become even more powerful. It’s better to let him burn out naturally.

4. He’d Branch Out Into Film

Justin Bieber is 19-years old. Unless there’s a “tragic” accident, he’s going to be around a long time. So, if an entertainer quits the music industry at age 19, what’s the next logical step? Sadly, it’s film. Without music to occupy his time, he’d be free to pursue movies full-time. The thought of Justin Bieber pulling a Justin Timberlake and making a successful transition to film is just too much for me to bear. We can’t eradicate Bieber, all we can do is keep him contained.

3. He'd Produce More Music

Sure, we hate Justin Bieber, but at least there's only one of him. Now imagine a world where Bieber had the time and resources to start his own army of clones. That's basically what would happen if he retired. As a producer, Bieber would be molding up and coming "talent" in his own image. This would be a disaster. One Bieber is enough.

2. The Inevitable Comeback Tour

As previously mentioned, Justin Bieber isn’t even 20-years old, but he’s already a multimillionaire. And while you’d think he’d be set for life, child-entertainers are notorious for squandering their fortunes. Whether it took five years or ten, the money would eventually run out, and Bieber would be forced to back into the game. And since he’s so young, it wouldn’t even seem that pathetic. If he retires as a wash out, there's no coming back, but if he walks away on top, he can always walk right back.

1. Someone Worse Would Take His Place

“Better the devil you know.” Never has this been truer than with Justin Bieber. If he were to walk away, it would only be a matter of time before some other obnoxious tween would prance into his place. And chances are he’d be even worse in ways we can’t possibly begin to fathom. Imagine going back in time to 2005 and trying to explain Justin Bieber to your past self. Your past self wouldn't be able to comprehend it. It's the same for us in present day. The future is horrifying.

Whoever the next Justin Biber is, he likely grew up listening to Justin Bieber. Can you imagine what someone who was actually "influenced” by Bieber is going to sound like? I shudder at the thought, and so should you.

86 comments
Kane Morris
Kane Morris

Paha, you can finally settle down with the man of your dreams!

Adam Morris
Adam Morris

Kane Morris it's ok son, he'll be back ! Lol x

Jim Prucey
Jim Prucey

at this rate he will easily beat Barbara Streisand for the most "Farewell Tours" ever

dinhvan
dinhvan User

I think Justin Bieber and Kanye West would make a great couple!

Jeff Krier
Jeff Krier

JB is just another Wanna Be! He sucks so bad just like Nikki Minage. No talent and over paid.!!!!

Chris Sigman
Chris Sigman

as long as he goes away. this fool makes talentless people look like gods

Veronica Saiyan
Veronica Saiyan

is it me or does jb look like friggin' miley cyrus? O.o

Joshua La Fond
Joshua La Fond

Tupac would never have said that to bieber if he was alive. Tupac would probably be very respectful to Bieber. Tupac was all about love and acceptance of everyones art. Maybe you weren't a big enough tupac fan to know that.

Shawna Davies
Shawna Davies

we need psy to make a parody of himself taking this chumps place!

Derrick Meyenburg
Derrick Meyenburg

Because teenage girls will have to chase after someone who might actually be intelligent. So glad he's hanging it up

Lydia Hands
Lydia Hands

Joaquin Phoenix already did this a couple of years back. How original Justin. or is retirement cue music for rehab?

Lukas Shore
Lukas Shore

He'll be back! Great talent never disappears!

MetallicaMan81
MetallicaMan81 User

I hope he falls down on stage and breaks his neck.

Jeff Pfeifer
Jeff Pfeifer

You guys didn't read it right. It said that he, unfortunately, is NOT retiring.

Isabella Everetts
Isabella Everetts

it happens with every idiot that we make famous. if we just stop, then they're no more. problem solved.

Jesse Kleiber
Jesse Kleiber

Clearly nothing more than a publicity stunt.

Joel H Eddins
Joel H Eddins

hes not replacing paul. paul's brother is. squeeze that shit out your head right now.

Andres-Reyes-278
Andres-Reyes-278 User

MMM maybe he´s doing drugs, lets see the outcome, you know all that money, free time unlimited parties, that will get to drugs  I´ll give him 6 months to be doing hard drugs.

Mayra Deleon
Mayra Deleon

What if he just suddenly "disappeared...?" just saying. (; anyone know anyone to make it happen? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Dan Brill
Dan Brill

Bye Bye lard ass. you'll be back when money gets low shithead.

Daniel Kline
Daniel Kline

Justen is the gayist matha f***** on the planet

Corey Rowe
Corey Rowe

He might go into acting yet and be all over the tv

Sharon Smith
Sharon Smith

His retirement is NOT bad news. Maybe he'll become a recluse. I can only hope.