Unless you’re an 11-year-old girl or a 50-year-old San Diego Chargers fan, you were probably delighted when Justin Bieber announced his “retirement.” For a brief moment, all seemed right with the world.
Of course, within 24 hours, the singer’s publicist had retracted the announcement. After all, 19-year-old multimillionaire pop stars do not retire, at least not while there’s still money to be made for coked up music executives. Sure, someday down the road the music industry may discard a degenerate heroin addict who used to be Justin Bieber. But for now, even if the kid wanted to leave the business, there’s no way they’d let him. And honestly, it’s for the best.
Don’t get me wrong. The only thing better than a world without Justin Bieber’s music would be a world without Justin Bieber. But this supposed “retirement” would have had unintended consequences that would have shaken this country to its very core. Don’t believe me? Well here are five examples of why Justin Bieber’s retirement would have been a disaster.
5. We’d End Up Seeing More Bieber
Question: What happened when it was announced that Twinkies were going to be discontinued? Everyone went ape shit. People who hadn’t even thought about the product since George H. W. Bush was in office were tripping over each other to buy a cream filled piece of shortbread. Why? Because scarcity sells.
At this point, the only thing that’s going to kill Justin Bieber’s career is a slow, natural progression. Eventually, overexposure takes its toll. And given his recent scandals involving South American hookers and piss-filled mop buckets, one could argue that the Bieber backlash has already begun. But a retirement would undo all that. He’d become even more powerful. It’s better to let him burn out naturally.
4. He’d Branch Out Into Film
Justin Bieber is 19-years old. Unless there’s a “tragic” accident, he’s going to be around a long time. So, if an entertainer quits the music industry at age 19, what’s the next logical step? Sadly, it’s film. Without music to occupy his time, he’d be free to pursue movies full-time. The thought of Justin Bieber pulling a Justin Timberlake and making a successful transition to film is just too much for me to bear. We can’t eradicate Bieber, all we can do is keep him contained.
3. He’d Produce More Music
Sure, we hate Justin Bieber, but at least there’s only one of him. Now imagine a world where Bieber had the time and resources to start his own army of clones. That’s basically what would happen if he retired. As a producer, Bieber would be molding up and coming “talent” in his own image. This would be a disaster. One Bieber is enough.
2. The Inevitable Comeback Tour
As previously mentioned, Justin Bieber isn’t even 20-years old, but he’s already a multimillionaire. And while you’d think he’d be set for life, child-entertainers are notorious for squandering their fortunes. Whether it took five years or ten, the money would eventually run out, and Bieber would be forced to back into the game. And since he’s so young, it wouldn’t even seem that pathetic. If he retires as a wash out, there’s no coming back, but if he walks away on top, he can always walk right back.
1. Someone Worse Would Take His Place
“Better the devil you know.” Never has this been truer than with Justin Bieber. If he were to walk away, it would only be a matter of time before some other obnoxious tween would prance into his place. And chances are he’d be even worse in ways we can’t possibly begin to fathom. Imagine going back in time to 2005 and trying to explain Justin Bieber to your past self. Your past self wouldn’t be able to comprehend it. It’s the same for us in present day. The future is horrifying.
Whoever the next Justin Biber is, he likely grew up listening to Justin Bieber. Can you imagine what someone who was actually “influenced” by Bieber is going to sound like? I shudder at the thought, and so should you.