In science fiction movies and television whenever we envision the future, we tend to show advanced technology that is perfect and never breaks down. Artificial intelligence, exoskeleton armies and robots are all-powerful and can take over the world at will.
However in real life we know that not to be the case. We already have tons of cool scifi gadgets but sometimes they freeze, crash and explode in your face. Look at all the awesome computer technology we have today. The future is now! If you went back in time thirty years and showed someone your smart phone you would be a future technological marvel out of Blade Runner or at least they would think you stole “Ziggy” from Quantum Leap. We all know that as cool as that smart phone is, eventually it will run out of juice at the wrong time, or when you’re trying to do a naughty Skype it will freeze right before your about to see boob.
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This is true even if it’s the near future, such as the recent Academy Award winning film Her where Joaquin Phoenix attempts to get his “iPhone 12” pregnant or the far off Star Trek future where Data the robot gets laid and it doesn’t fry his circuits. No I didn’t make that up:
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Holy schnikes: Data is “fully functional.”
Or if it does malfunction, it does so in such a way that the technology demonstrates its power and intelligence over humans, such as in 2001: A Space Odyssey where Hal makes Dave his bitch. I feel that our future problems will be much more mundane than that! That’s why I want to envision a future where we see much more realistic #FutureProblems !
1. Trapped Inside My Full Body Exoskeleton I Farted In – #FutureProblems
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Full body exoskeletons have been a staple of science fiction from Aliens and Avatar to more recently in the Tom Cruise movie, Edge Of Tomorrow and they are now becoming a reality. They promise to help soldiers on the field and let paralyzed patients walk again. But what if they break down trapping the user inside and they have to toot?
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2. Robot Keeps Crashing And Getting The “Blue Screen of Death”- #FutureProblems
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Blorp was frozen mid high-five. *Actually his name is Kevin. “Blorp” is a robot stereotype.
Robots are probably going to act more like Seth Rogan after he smoked a giant doobie, than Arnold Schwarzenegger taking over the world. Most of our computers today still get the infamous “Blue Screen Of Death” if you have more than five programs open for too long. My computer crashed eleven times trying to write this dumb article! I’d imagine that “killer” robots are going to be the same way. So we don’t have to worry about fighting the robot war if they try to take over, we just have to wait for them to crash!
3. My Electric – Flying Car Won’t Hold A Charge Mid Air – #FutureProblems
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I am excited for electric cars. I am even more excited for flying cars. However I have some reservations about electric – flying cars! What if they keep a charge about as well as my Android phone?
4. My 3D Printer Keeps Spewing Out Copies Of A Plastic Model Of My Butt – #FutureProblems
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Who doesn’t love making a photo copy of your butt on the office copy machine? Now everyone in the near future will be able to make beautiful 3D renderings of their behinds complete with pimples. Only if you’re like me, the damn thing will jam and start spewing out hundreds of copies!
5. Old Man Won’t Give Back My Artificially Intelligent Drone That Crashed in His Yard – #FutureProblems
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“Hey, this isn’t as big a drone as my WIFE. Am I right? Whatever, I’m an old man, I can say what I want.”
We all had that experience growing up where our ball landed in the grouchy neighbor’s lawn and they wouldn’t give it back. Or wait, I didn’t play sports as a kid; I think I saw that in a scene in a movie. At any rate in the future this scenario is going to be a little different s your personal areal drone is going to crash land in old Mr. McNutty’s back yard. To be fair this kid was probably using it to record a 3D environment of his daughter’s bedroom while she was changing in it. Pervert.
Tell us your #FutureProblems in the comments below!
Follow Phil Haney @PhilHaney