Valentine’s Day has become the cheesiest, most cliché holiday out of the year; since when did being in love with someone equate to chocolates, stuffed animals and flowers? Chocolates make you fat, stuffed animals are for children and all flowers wind up doing are dying and littering my house with withered petals. Just from those three items this sounds like a holiday meant for children, yet pedophilia is still (thankfully) illegal — buy your kids flowers, toys and candy? Sure. Buy the little girl next door any of that and her daddy will kick your ass all the way to Chuck E. Cheese and back.
Regardless of my cynical views on the holiday, I know a lot of people get bummed about being single this time of year. It’s okay, single person out there, I’m sure you’ll find someone to love you…eventually. Not necessarily today or tomorrow, or even a decade from now, but eventually. Ideally sometime before you die.
That was not the uplifting mood boost of a paragraph that I wanted to write when I started it. Instead, here’s five marriage proposals gone horribly wrong to make you feel better about the ever-looming possibility of dying alone. Because if you ask me, dying alone is better than dying next to any of these “winners”:
5. Rule #1 Of Proposals: Don’t Do It Near The Water…
…because if you do it near the water, something will definitely go wrong. What that “thing” is I don’t know — it could be getting bitten by a shark, getting stung by a jellyfish, falling off a pier or dropping the jewelry into the ocean. This ain’t Titanic and you ain’t Rose — get yourself into some landlocked state like Idaho if you’re a klutz and do your proposal right.
4. Even Jesus Can’t Save You Now
Skip to the 2:57 mark for when the guy gets down on one knee, then skip to 3:30 for when the girl says “Uhh sorry…no” and runs off stage. Can you blame her though? He proposed to her at an event called “Jesus Jam.” If there’s one thing that gets my ovaries a-blazin’, it’s the idea of having a foursome with the father, son and holy ghost on my wedding night. Hubby isn’t invited.
3. I Hope The Ring Was Cheap…
…because I told you not to propose near water. Can’t you follow any goddamn instructions?
2. When In Doubt, Don’t Propose On National Television
Dude should’ve cut his losses and ran away like the game show woman after the mall train cut his speech off and chugged right on through the middle of the crowd. When the universe gives you hints, take the goddamn hints.