5 People That Make You Feel Better About Yourself

PhilHaney by PhilHaney on Aug. 16, 2013

Now it’s time for your dose of what the Germans call schadenfreude: feeling pleasure from other people’s pain! No matter how horrible your day is going, you can read these stories and be thankful that at least you are not one of these sad sacks. Like a fine wine tasting, you should enjoy these stories from first to last.

You Are Not the Woman Who Ordered a Stack of Tires Wedding Cake and Got a Gray Blob

A recent bride was none too pleased when her wedding cake arrived in the shape of a gray blob instead of the beautiful stack of tires she had ordered. In retaliation to the cake vender she posted the inedible monstrosity on EBay for a $1.53. I guess it’s a bargain for collectors of horrible cakes?  Even if it came out as advertised it was still a wedding cake that looked like a stack of tires.

You Did Not Get So Drunk You Passed Out in A Shipping Container From China To America

Speaking of shipments you don’t want; A man in China, Jiang Wu got so incredibly drunk that he mistook a shipping container for the hotel he was sleeping at! Now, what is so terrible about that, sounds like he had a fun time? Well that’s where you’re wrong. Poor Jiang Wu may have gotten a little woozy as the container was locked and placed aboard a shipping vessel headed for America on a two week trip!  Luckily he had a cell phone and was able to call for help. Otherwise he would have been eating pirated Apple products.  

You are Not A Recluse Gnawed and Eaten by Cats and Dogs

Speaking of being trapped for weeks on end without food; a reclusive woman died in her home and wasn’t discovered for several months until after her cats and dogs had partially eaten her decomposing body.  Unfortunately most of the animals in the home had already died before authorities discovered the gruesome scene. No word on if the woman tasted better than the cat and dog food they normally ate.  

You Are Not A “Furry” Accused of Sex With a Feline


Speaking of cats in compromising positions: Ryan Havens Tannenholz a self-described “furry” (people who like to dress up in animal costumes and not because they are the mascot for the local triple A baseball team) is accused of “sexually penetrating” a cat. Meow!  Tanenholz has been charged with six felony counts of crimes against nature, and one misdemeanor count of cruelty to an animal. Maybe he just thought the cat was a person in a cat suit and didn’t check to make sure there was a person inside?

You Did Not Remove Your Penis on a Plane and Get Publicly Shamed


Speaking of putting your man parts where they don’t belong: a man named Stuart Ronald Clarke  on a flight from Salt Lake City to Minneapolis exposed his penis. Don’t worry he has the best penis out on a plane excuse ever telling authorities he got peppermint-scented topical pain reliever on his penis! To alleviate the discomfort the pain reliever caused, he sprouted his little candy cane midflight prompting the female passenger next to him to become alarmed. So alarmed that the FBI’s Terror Task Force was alerted to track down  Clarke. Where is Sam Jackson when you need him to remove some penises on a plane?

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HockeyGuy90 User

that dude who nailed his cat looks all too creepy... didn't have to twist my arm on that one

ceprn User

"Janet Veal" ha ha ha.

Sleebiscuit User

The bottom guy kinda looks like Nicholas Cage

legacy27 User

"You Did Not Remove Your Penis on a Plane and Get Publicly Shamed" - HE REMOVED HIS PENIS!!!  Holy sh!t!  I don't care where it happened, if you REMOVE your penis then I'm definitely going to feel better then you are because I DIDN'T REMOVE MY PENIS.  Did he at least have something to numb the pain?  I couldn't read anything past the headline.

COHockey User

The cat rapist looks like a cat rapist.

Sad story about the animals..... they probably waited until they were almost dead to start eating the body....

TheWuziMu User

"You Did Not Remove Your Penis on a Plane and Get Publicly Shamed"

Shamed?  Wouldn't medical attention be more appropriate?

The-Langolier UserTop Commenter

@legacy27 Nope, because break fucked up that title, and he didn't remove anything.

eldystar User

@COHockey well there is a story of a one of those tiny dogs who started eating the face of its owner when the owner went into diabetic shock or coma quite nasty.   She woke up with her dog chewing on her face out of anxiety more than likely but still ouwch.