5 Insane Thoughtless Christmas Gifts to Buy On Amazon

If you’re like me, than you are scrambling for last minute gift ideas and searching Amazon in cold sweat looking for the perfect all in one cupcake baking, pizza, tofu crock pot for your Great Aunt Mildred. And while the people you give gifts to may not actually need, want or enjoy them, that’s not the point! “It’s the thought that counts.” And by randomly typing in key words to Amazon and buying the weirdest thing that comes up, they will know that you put very little thought into that thought that they just counted. In fact here are several awesomely bad gifts I found on Amazon that I put NO thought into. Let me know what sort of weird Christmas Gift Ideas you found online shopping! Merry Christmas!

Keyword: Dictator

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a life size cut out of a deceased ruthless dictator. Who needs the Ghost of Christmas Future creeping you out when you can have a life sized replica of Kim Jong-il by your bed, inspecting you to make sure you are properly celebrating HIM. This gift says. I’ve known you for years, but I don’t REALLY know you that well. I want to keep you in check and make sure you’re not going to go behind my back, or I might send you to my prison camps, or worse. You don’t think I have prison camps?  Note: Good news is Kim Jong-il is made in the USA! That’s not some sort of edgy political statement; look at the description, he’s made in the USA.

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Also I found this really sweet album that you can throw in the gift basket with Kim Jong-il!

Keyword: Fetus

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Aside from albums by the band Dying Fetus, the Amazon keyword “fetus” yields this unique Christmas gift: a real baby pig fetus in a jar. Judging by the title of the Amazon entry; “Real Preserved Baby Pig Fetus in jar West Specimen taxidermy Science fetal scary jar animal dissection” it seems like this item is actually lyrics to a Dying Fetus song come to life. This would make a great present for that fun friend who collects taxidermy spiders, stamps and scabs.

Keyword: Used Underwear

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Hey, don’t judge my keyword! The good news is your gift recipient won’t be receiving any used underwear via mail order this year as I’m sure the good folks at Amazon have a policy against that sort of thing. However you can help change attitudes toward the “used underwear market” by purchasing a book on how to make money selling previously owned panties. Apparently this isn’t just for Japanese business men anymore.  “Confessions of a Panty Seller: How To Turn Your Used Panties into Real Money” sounds like a gripping read and at only 99 cents a pop on Kindle, your sister will be paying off her cash advance loans in no time with this great Christmas gift!

Keyword: Floppy

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I was hoping for something more sexual with the word “floppy,” but aside from used floppy discs I found a “Boobie Bag Floppy Flask.” This device is supposed to allow ladies to conceal booze in plastic pouches that go inside their bra or dress boob area. It’s a great way to hide liquor: they just discreetly pull out the floppy flask from their shirt and start sucking. Plus it’s safe: at 4 ounces a bag, you can be rest assured that no girl who is willing to stuff booze bags in her shirt will get too intoxicated from this amount of demon whiskey.   Plus it’s an added bonus for flat chested girls who can have padded tata’s when they go out!  You can get this gift for guys with giant man boobs in order to humiliate them, or just tell them it’s like having a conceal and carry permit for open container alcohol! A perfect gift for that friend with “a problem” that you’re too scared to confront about it.  Hopefully the person you got this gift for makes it to New Year’s where they will be the life of the party.

Keyword: Turd

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Unfortunately they don’t sell celebrity droppings on Amazon, because I know someone would actually love a bit of the Beibs bowels. However if you are in need of a Christmas present for that special someone who loves fake poo gag gifts so much that they would want to see a plastic representation of caca and pee pee while they are eating, well then you are in luck! The Tinkle and Turd Salt and Pepper Shaker set is perfect for your boss this year, especially if you are not looking for a promotion.  What fun Christmas gifts did you find on Amazon with a random word search?

Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @Phil Haney