A fist fight can erupt at any time during professional sports, but they generally aren’t very exciting. Football players wear too much armor, water polo players drown before the fight gets good, and ping pong paddles get too erotic too quickly. And punching someone in rugby is pointless– that’s just rugby without the running start. Sport fights aren’t always disappointing, though. Here are some great examples of competitors who found a way to bring war to sporting events. So if you happen to find yourself in the middle of a fight but also in the middle of a professional sporting event, these are the secret techniques you’ll need.
The Fighters: Izzy Alcántara vs. The Entire Red Barons TeamLet’s say you’re at the plate and you’ve made the decision to kill the pitcher. Maybe he’s been sending balls into your personal space. Maybe he’s been sending balls into your wife’s personal email. The point is, you’re holding a club and there are spikes on your feet, so this should be easy. However, there is a gentleman’s rule in baseball that you can only kill a pitcher with your hands or helmet. So step one is dropping that bat. Step two is Izzy Alcantara’s Secret Fighting Technique:
Izzy Alcantara’s Secret Fighting Technique:
The greatest danger of charging the mound is not that pitcher fists move at 95 mph. It’s that there will usually be an angry catcher chasing you. So in a 2001 minor league game, when Izzy Alcántara prepared to advance against the opposing team’s pitcher, he knew he had to cover his rear flank first. So before he charged, he turned and sidekicked the catcher in the chest. Bam! Now all he had to do was fight… eight other men. S-shit, I don’t think Izzy thought this all the way through. And he barely managed to get in one wild miss before he was jumped by the entire Red Barons team. They beat his stupid ass like it was Black Friday and he was filled with $1.24 bath towels.
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The Fighters: Michael Simko vs. Don St. Denis
It was 2006 in Toledo, Ohio, and cars were driving in circles. Whether that type of thing somehow appeals to you or not, this next part is a crowd pleaser: Michael Simko lost his mind, got out of his car, and charged the parked vehicle of fellow racer Don St. Denis.
Michael Simko’s Secret Fighting Technique:
There aren’t a lot of options when you want to beat up someone in a car. Unbuckling someone’s seatbelt and pulling them through a door is harder than Grand Theft Auto would have you believe. So how do you get them out? You could try luring your enemy driver with ice cream and prizes, but you’re taking a big risk that the magic of friendship will make you forget why you were even fighting in the first place. So Michael Simko made the only move he had– despite having no training for this type of thing whatsoever, he threw a jumpkick at Don’s windshield. And the only thing crazier than kicking a car is that it totally worked. Simko flew through the glass and nailed Don St. Denis with far more karate than anyone was prepared for. It redefined the way humans attack cars, and the great thing about kicking a man through his windshield is that it only works better if they’re speeding right towards you.
Don eventually got out of the car to counterattack, but he looked like a walrus and fought like a huggable, plush version of that walrus. His clumsy paws and struggles with obesity were no match for this superhero who just blew his secret identity of auto racer Michael Simko.
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The Fighters: Bodin Issara vs. Maneepong Jongjit
Badminton doesn’t seem like the best sport for bench clearing brawls. It seems more like a sport where fights are for diabetes awareness, not between competitors. That’s no longer true. In this year’s Canada open, a deadly battle erupted between two Thai badminton players. Out of respect for this great sport, I’m going to try to describe the event with as much manliness as possible: The two small men in smaller shorts blasted each other with a shuttlecock until one erupted with passion.
Maneepong Jongjit’s Secret Fighting Technique:
Bodin viciously attacked Maneepong, but if years of badminton experience teaches a man anything, it’s how to deal with bullies– he turned and ran squealing. They made an entire lap around the gym before Bodin finally caught him and beat him into a heap. Here’s what’s crazy: with the distance they covered, Maneepong gave every single person in the gym an opportunity to rescue him and they all refused. In badminton, no one will rescue you. In badminton, they will watch the weak die.
Running from a fight is usually a good idea. Maneepong’s mistake was turning back and trying to daintily bat away his attacker with a badminton racket. It made him look like such a pussy that his body’s glands became confused and started producing only lubricant. He looked like such a pussy that medics didn’t even bother giving him first aid. They just parked a Tampax delivery truck in him and covered him in a pair of panties.
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The Fighters: Zidane vs. Materazzi
In the 2006 World Cup Final, Zinedine Zidane delivered the greatest and most famous headbutt in head history. Marco Materazzi said something about his sister, and Zidane responded by caving in Materazzi’s chest cavity. It was brutal. Materazzi probably still smells like Zidane’s head when he exhales.
Zidane’s Secret Fighting Technique:
This is more than just soccer’s greatest fighting technique. This is 50% of all soccer moments most people can name.
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And what’s crazy about the headbutt, aside from completely shutting down Marco Materazzi’s nervous system, is that Zidane almost got away with it! The referees didn’t see it and they weren’t allowed to look at instant replay. They’re like pro wrestling referees– if they look back and see a crater in a dead man’s chest shaped like Zidane’s face, they’re not legally allowed to fill in the blanks. When the giant video screens above them showed clear evidence of headbuttery, they had to pretend it was some awesome episode of He-Man where Ram Man performed heart surgery on Beast Man.
Unfortunately for Zidane, the referees managed to find some assistant deputy sideline official who saw the attack, and they kicked him out of the game. His team lost, but the headbutt will live forever. Kind of literally since it was made into a bronze statue 6 years later.
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MascottingThe Fighers: Vic the Demon vs. Chief Brave Spirit
During a college football game, two mascots began playfully fighting. Vic The Demon from Northwestern State University and Chief Brave Spirit from Northeast Louisiana University swatted at each other in mock combat. But the gods of war were not to be mocked this day. They threw open the gates of Valhalla and in that moment the two mascots each knew what they had to do: die gloriously.
Chief Brave Spirit’s Secret Fighting Technique:
After delivering a thunderous felt kick, Chief Brave Spirit yanked the head off Vic the Demon– a move so close to scalping it was almost racist. Vic, no longer constricted by a four foot muppet head, seized the advantage. He threw Chief Brave Spirit to the ground and pulled on his huge culturally insensitive mask with everything he had. But Indians use every part of the mascot costume, including the chin strap. Behold, the most intense, the deadliest of all sports battles: