5 Celebrities That Tried to Get Laid During Interviews

Seanbaby by Seanbaby on Jan. 24, 2014

Here's a fun celebrity fact: for every one minute a person appears on television per day, people are one percent more likely to sleep with them. And since Bloodsport appears on television four times each day, you would -with mathematical certainty- sleep with Jean-Claude Van Damme. This is obviously great news for you, but it also leads me to my point: after leading this kind of panties-flinging lifestyle, celebrities don't always know when it's appropriate to poke their dong at things. For instance:

5. Quinton "Rampage" Jackson

During an interview with MMA fighter Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, Heather Nichols joked about starring in a romantic comedy with him. That's all the signal he needed to pull her into his genitals and try to inseminate the inside of his jeans. Strangely, this was not the first time he'd done this.

You don't really get trained for this type of thing in journalism school and if you do, let's hope your teacher is under arrest. So Heather really had no protocol for it. She tried ignoring how her crotch was now on a seventh grade study date, but Quinton kept humping and humping through her uncomfortable follow-up questions. Apparently, like the second half of his fighting career, Rampage was having trouble finishing.

Did It Work?
If you've ever dated a stripper, you already know that a forced dry humping in a crowded room is a terrible way to start a relationship. No woman wants to go home with with strange semen stains on her clothes, even if it's her job. And in this case, it absolutely was not. According to an interview with Sports Illustrated, she agrees with every civilized society that has ever been in that you should always ask before you slam your penis into someone.


4. Ben Affleck

 


While promoting the movie Jersey Girl, Ben Affleck appeared on a Canadian show called Box-office. If you're not familiar with the movie Jersey Girl, it's what abortions would make if they could express themselves with cinema. It was the worst thing to come from talented filmmakers since Tom Cruise and John Travolta shared an espresso enema. I'm finding it hard to even describe the film Jersey Girl without using the words shrieking pubic mold, so there they are. Sorry.

Naturally, the show's host, Anne-Marie Losique, wanted to discuss the movie. And naturally, Ben wanted to avoid that at all costs. So he did what any man does to avoid talking or reflection-- sex. He pulled her onto his lap and started flirting. Intensely. He flirted like this woman might die if he didn't get her underpants off.

Did It Work?
Holy shit, yes. Don't underestimate Ben Affleck's charm. He was the 2002 People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, and he won that title while having a Forrest Gump lunchbox for a head. There's an intangible quality to Ben Affleck, and his words alone seemed undoing Anne-Marie's bra. It seemed weirdly intimate, but after a few minutes of giggling and chemistry the only weird part is that the camera crew didn't leave to give them some privacy. Don't misunderstand me, I'm a straight man, but after seeing Ben Affleck's game, I'm worried that if we were on a long elevator ride together, he could probably talk me into it.


3. Morgan Freeman

From what I can tell, 60% of Morgan Freeman's life is spent telling reporters what it was like working with great actors like Michael Caine or Christian Bale or Spider-Man and Sasquatch. So it's not surprising that when he's in an interview, Morgan is looking for any opportunity to talk about anything other than his colleagues' talents. The giant breasts of WGN reporter Tyra Martin were exactly that opportunity.

Did It Work?
If you've watched a film in the last 30 years, you've heard Morgan Freeman's voice. So you know he could probably talk a woman into sex by reading her Vagisil's patent application. So yes, of course it worked.


2. Joe Namath

During a 2003 Jets-Patriots game, ESPN broadcasted the most erotic sideline interview in the history of football. Suzy Kolber asked a spectacularly drunk Joe Namath how he felt about his former team's terrible season. He thought for a moment, then leaned in to give his answer:

Her question had nothing to do with kissing, so it was strange. Stranger still was that he instantly forgot that he just forgot where he was and went right back to answering the question. He slurred, "I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THE TEAM STURUGGULING." The incident became a meme and there's now an entire generation of people who only know legendary quarterback Joe Namath from his failed kissing career.

Did It Work?
Most women list "affectionate" and "has no interest in football" as traits they look for in a man. Not Suzy Kolber. And as one might expect, the kiss didn't happen. Luckily, Joe Namath was drunk enough that after the interview he was able to fall in love with a hole in a bag of roasted peanuts.


1. James Brown

After James Brown got out of prison for allegedly beating his wife and shooting at her car, Dr. Sonya Friedman booked him on her show. Probably to talk about that. It was the perfect time for James Brown to apologize or explain how it was some kind of misunderstanding. Even holding up her head and saying, "Bitch didn't get away this time!" would have been better than what he did.

He greeted Sonya with, "LIVIN' IN AMERICA!" He was behind yellow polarized ski goggles via satellite, and in only three words it was ridiculously clear how drunk he was. James Brown had been celebrating the fuck out of his domestic abuse charge. Dr. Sonya tried to bring this up several times, but he expertly dodged the subjects of jail and wife beating by screaming, "LET'S TALK ABOUT SOME MUSIC!" He even listed some of his songs. "GET UP OFFA THAT THING, I FEEL GOOD. JAAAAAAAAAM." If you rubbed a schizophrenic man in butter and told him he was at karaoke, you would not be able to tell it apart from this video.

Despite being just such so perfectly crazy the whole way through, the best part of the interview comes when Dr. Sonya asks James Brown why the ladies enjoy him so much. His first response was, "WHADJASAY!?" His second was to open it up to the room, most likely a freelance video production studio containing only him and two men. And finally, his third response was this: "I look good. I smell good. I feel good." When Dr. Sonya added that he also sang good, James Brown was starting to pick up her vibe. He gazed into the camera and cooed, "AND MAKE LOVE GOOD." Game on, Dr. Sonya.

Did It Work?
Not really. Dr. Sonya immediately backpedalled from the romantic chemistry. "Well there we go, we don't have to ask anyone else. We got that from the source!" It was almost condescending. Here's where he made his mistake: telling a woman you're good in bed is like telling her you have wikipedia open to "clitoris" and you're ready to take a shot at it. It's barely a step up from taking out your penis and whimpering. If you say you're good at sex, women don't believe you even when you're James Brown. And have you ever seen James Brown dance? I'm not a hip scientist, but he probably brings women to orgasm while he's trying to take off his belt. Luckily, the rejected James relieved the tension by blasting out one perfect, impossibly loud syllable:


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