4 Things People Have No Right To Do

Every day people go about their lives confident that they have a right to be who they want to be and do what they want to be.  In point of fact this is untrue.  Those of us in Western democracies have rights only by social contract. I agree that you have a right because you agree that I have a right.  At any moment this could destabilize under force and we could all whine about our rights while a totalitarian government beats us all into cages to harvest our precious fluids.  A right is nothing more than an idea and it must be respected to have any weight.  That said, you do not have a right to do any of the following things.  I mean, you can do them, but it lets everyone know you’re awful

Overcook a Steak

Why enjoy a juicy steak when you can apply heat until it becomes the texture of those insulating strips that come with air conditioners?  Why indeed.  People do this all the time, mothers are notorious for overcooking their meat.  Why cook it at all if we’re just committing a meat hate crime?

You could eat an overcooked, well done steak if it was literally your only option, like you live in a post-apocalyptic wasteland and you found a burned out cattle barn and just plucked the overcooked meat from the carcass of the animal.  Go right ahead.  But in this world, when you control your own grill, why the hell would you do that?  It’s like putting ketchup on a cupcake, there’s no logic behind it, it doesn’t compliment or enhance the experience in any way and basically ruins something that would otherwise be pleasant.  Cut that out.

Not Bathe

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Stinky people, what is your deal?  Sure, some of us work hard jobs and at the end of the day, before we get home, are a little ripe.  And, for the most part, normal people in that situation go home and bathe.  What’s with the rest of you, the people we all know were not working hard ever at anything, that just walk around all butt smelling because maybe they really did drop a trouser bomb, or maybe they just haven’t run by water in a week or so?  What makes you think it’s OK to walk around smelling like actual poop?  Are you not aware that you stink?  A handy rule of thumb is that, if you haven’t bathed today, or yesterday, or the day before, you probably stink.  So bathe, stinky. 

The worst part about stinky types is their insistence on not keeping a reasonable boundary.  You’ll notice this if you eve partake of public transportation.  Stanky bitches like to sit next to you or stand there, arm up, just wafting that funk around.  You have no right, stanky bitches.  No right.

Wear Pajamas in Public

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If you’ve been on a college campus in the last decade you’ll really get a feel for how this issue has spun out of control – students who live on campus just rolling out of bed, out the door and into life, still wearing their pajamas like this was a socially acceptable way to be and not an example of the utter disdain they have for themselves, for others and for a basic sense of self respect and wanting to greet the day with more than an ass scratch and a fart.

Like the spread of H1N1 it left the confines of the campus and spread to the real world.  People were showing up at restaurants and grocery stores in pajamas as though giving a dam about anything no longer mattered.  As though having even a modicum of pride in your appearance or putting any effort into being ready for the day meant nothing.  As though the entire world was a degenerate flop house so who gives a crap about even trying to be presentable or looking like you’re anything more than a shiftless, lazy, stanky ass bum. 

The whole thing reeks of the terrible sense of entitlement that more and more people are latching onto into the world as it oddly decays into a selfish, materialistic ass golem.  I want to be famous not for anything, but because I want to be.  I want to believe in whatever I want to believe in, regardless of science or facts or logic because I have a right to my opinions.  I want to do what I want whenever I want and no one can tell me anything because I’m the boss of me. 

None of that is true, just signs you’re a fool  Put some goddamn pants on.

Engage in Insufferable Jackassery

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The letter of the law in the United States says that the Westboro Baptist Church has every right to picket funerals.  It is their legal right.  Of course no one intended for rights to be exploited in that way when they were written up as laws and constitutions and such but idealistic people hold that we must all have freedoms or none of us have freedoms.  We can’t pick and choose how we let the rights in our society be meted out, despite what this article here may be making you think.  But the most important thing to take away from this is that, with all the entries – your overcooked steak, your smelly ass, your pajamas at Wal Mart and even Westboro – you technically have that right.  But you technically have a right to funnel sriracha into your eyeballs while peeing on an electric fence  Are you going to do that tonight?

Just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you should and that’s where the founding fathers were blind.  How could they ever have foreseen how stupid the future would be?  For every normal, well adjusted individual, there’s an ass clown who cleans a loaded gun in their living room and blows a hole in the ceiling.  For every decent person who tries to be a good person, there’s a guy who will protest the marriage of two total strangers who will affect his life in no way. 

We gave people the right to be dicks and they ran with it.  They ran and ran and ran.  But we only have rights based on that social contract.  We let dicks be dicks because we all agree to it.  So dicks, you need to remember that.  Everyone who hates you has allowed you to be a dick.  And if you keep pushing, the pendulum will swing one day.  You think the NSA is spying on you for no reason?  You think people are going to tolerate your pajamas at the Piggly Wiggly forever?  There’s a reckoning at hand, man.  Be on the right side of it.  Just because you can do a thing doesn’t mean you should.  You also have a right to not be awful.