The Definitive List of 22 Media Friendly Fart Euphemisms

The noble fart.  How often do you hear news about one?  It’s a rare case indeed when a fart breaks into the legit media, but it did happen recently.  The story?  A redditor who composed a 7 tone symphony based solely on a noise his ass made.  Yes, that seems silly, but the video has been viewed nearly 3 million times and it was covered in major media outlets.  Here, watch the video.

Imagine being the reporter who covers this tale.  Or the one who covers the fart tax levied by the Denver Broncos.  Or the man who asked his town to ban fart smells.  Yes, farts turn up in the news way more often than you’d think.  So often, in fact, that something needs to be done about the word.  Because, as you well know, a fart is never just a fart.  What are we talking about here?  A gentle pip fart?  A skin-melting terror fart?  A rancid cabbie fart?  The world needs to know since these things keep coming up in the news.  Farts are so important in the media that people keep reporting on them and we need to agree on what farts we’re talking about.  And with that, we offer you, the media and the world this list of fart euphemisms, suitable for any occasion at all.  Long live journalistic integrity.  Long live farts.

Ass Blast – the kind of fart born from Thai chilies and a night of low budget beer

Back Draft – the hollow, soul-rending fart that surprises even you

The Barking Spider – a quick, angry fart that may wake the dog

Subterranean Yawn – a long, drawn out fart that keeps going after the sound dies off

Chanel No 2 – a fart possessed of an odor even you can’t explain

Flatus – a stately fart.  If it were a person it would wear a monocle

A Dark Wind – a ghastly, somewhat damp fart

Starscream – a rage-filled ass trauma

Satan’s Bugle – a high, keening wail that makes others uncomfortable

Fieri Bomb – a bubbling cauldron of gravy and onion smells

Nether Squelch – a viscous, damp peel of anger

Cheek Sneak – a rapid fire bubbling chainsaw

Pucker Chuckle – a simple fart that would have ended if you didn’t start laughing, but now keeps time with you

Breaking Dawn – a fart that wakes you up

Hooting the Blowfish – the kind of fart that changes octaves midway through

Beef Relief – the terrible aftermath of a carnivorous evening

The Steaming Weasel – a hot, moist humiliating fiasco

Duck Step – a surprise flarp that sounds quickly and loudly

Freep – a low decibel creeper that’s more drawn out than anyone is comfortable with

The Ghost of Dinners Past – One that smells of what you ate a good three meals ago

A Vapor Caper – like the exhalation of a great bear

Peep Toad – a simple blip, like you might expect from the bum of a fitness model or a very hungry person