2013 PornHub Year in Review


PornHub for those of you pretending not to know is a very popular website that shows different categories depicting hubs. Hubs that are full of videos with raunchy lady bits and a few dude parts as well, broken into a myriad of wholesome categories that serve every possible foot, toe and tooth fetish that you may have. 2013 has been a great year for the adult website which according to their calculations was visited by users fourteen billion, seven hundred seventy–five million times. I don’t know about you, but I’m buying stock in Kleenex. Now if you are reading this at 2AM, well then you have completely exhausted yourself, you’re a sweaty mess and PornHub is in the other browser beckoning you once more like the Greek Sirens on the rocky coast. However you’re chaffed and need some water, so what better way to rest up to attempt a legendary personal record of a “seven-peat” spankfest then to read statistics on what you are spanking to?


And let’s give credit where credit is due. PornHub is becoming the Larry Flynnt of the internet, even offering to help Obama fix his broken healthcare website this year. And I say who better, what with the massive amounts of web traffic they get, and the important “healthcare” service they are providing?


Top Viewed


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PornHub boasts 1.68 million visits per hour and 63.2 billion videos viewed this year. Damn, you guys have been busy!  PornHub’s most viewed video of the year was the Teen Mom reality star Farrah Abraham Sex Tape, so yay for working teen moms.

International House of Anal


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PornHub also broke down the year’s top search terms based on country of origin. The top two searches overall were “Teen” and “Milf.” As you can see it seems that while ‘Merca likes ‘em young, creamy and with children, other countries want to keep their economies strong by employing their countrymen and women in the porn biz by searching for local porn. America needs to start searching for Made in the USA skin flicks!

Time Spent With PornHub Instead of Friends and Family

Some people have said that porn can affect the male brain the same way that crack does and the stats would make it look that way!  The good folks at PornHub even broke down by country and state who is “taking the dog for a walk” the longest. And guess what, America wins for second year in a row! USA! USA! USA!

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America’s dominance in knocking the noodle is in large part to states in “The Masturbation Belt” which stretches all the way to Hawaii. Interesting what sort of political arguments one could make from these stats. I’m not making any, I’m just saying, one could go crazy making baseless political attacks based on the masturbation habits of one set of states versus another… but I know you guys wouldn’t do that.


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Television Events that Preempted Your Regularly Scheduled Porn Watching


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There were a few things during 2013 that interrupted “me time” such as the season finale of The Walking Dead that had traffic down six percent. What you guys don’t like looking at dead zombie decaying flesh while playing with your own lump of flesh? What happened to AMC’s “two screen experience?” You can always try the Walking Dead Porn Parody… let’s just hope they didn’t include Carl. “Carl, get in the house!”

Follow Phil on Twitter @PhilHaney