When it’s time for the family to get together for your Christmas card photos, you might be tempted to try something fun, silly, or -God help us all- adorable. Resist that temptation. That’s just the holiday spirit trying to humiliate you. The results have long been chronicled by our friends over at AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. Here’s some of the most egregious.
This was, no bullshit, the official Christmas card from the mayor of San Juan two years ago. I’m not sure what it says about a man when a throat-ripping corpse is his idea of holiday cheer, but it’s a safe bet you bite into one of his political opponents everytime you order chicken nuggets in San Juan.
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Couples, this type of picture is the perfect way to tell your friends and family that you made a baby this year and you’re also retiring your genitals from active duty.
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If evolution was real, why would any single one of these species allow this? Checkmate, science.
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Years from now, a terrified girl in a water tank will ask her four nude captors why they are doing this. They will each hold up this picture.
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They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but after “recently penetrated teddy bears,” I have no idea what this picture’s other 996 words might be.
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Normally a family has to be dismembered to look this creepy in a box.
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This is more than just a thoughtful holiday message. It’s also how you draw “schizophrenia” in Pictionary.
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“There are no laws at the North Pole, young one!”
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It’s sometimes hard to tell if someone is dislodging his dentures for a wacky picture or if he’s screaming from within the flesh prison of Mictlantecuhtli.
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This is exactly what it will look like when the merry are hunted for sport.
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If erections had their own newspaper, the headline over this photo would read “THOUSANDS KILLED IN GRISLY MURDER.“
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No good decision has ever been made across a hot tub from a grinning family. For instance, this photographer’s decision to snap a picture.
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This is a completely normal Christmas photo. Only you can see him.
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“Nude family photos in santa hats? If you’re just going to make things up, I’ll thank you to get the fuck out of my laser office.”
– This family’s therapist, 2022
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In Hell, all jokes will be this joke.
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Psst! Little boy! Santa has been dead for hours.
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As she made it, the sweatshop worker knew no good could come of a size extra, extra small speedo, but she could never have imagined it would lead to anything like this.
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“Our Cardinals may just go all the way this season!”
“I’m a Cubs man, myself!”
“SPORTS AS WELL FOR ME BECAUSE I AM A REAL HUMAN LIKE YOU OTHERS! SKREEEE!!!”
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When what to my wondering eyes was perceived?
But a man in a chair and a human centipede.
With their mouths to their butts and their colons to their coughs,
I knew in a moment their chromosomes must be off.
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“Our toys come to life at night!”
“Yes. And then we kill them and assume their identities.”