If you have a significant other, then this holiday sucks. People put either too much weight on it or not enough. So you better be prepared. Here are 12 gifts that you won't want to give because you'll be left alone, crying, and using the tears to masturbate with. And that hurts. Everywhere.
1. Beef Jerky Underwear
Nothing says, "I have a strong passion for you," like asking your boyfriend or girlfriend to get their privates smelling like hot, sweaty meat.
2. Gym Membership
We all want to look better. But it's not a good idea to tell someone they need to look better through a Valentine's Day gift. You're basically saying, "Hey, significant other. If you could go ahead and workout to look hotter, that'd be great."
3. A Lock Of Hair
Because that's creepy as f**k.
4. A Big Keychain
Who the hell loves big keychains? Have you actually seen anyone with a huge keychain that they are actually using? If you have, then you should be blamed when they kill themselves because the only people who love using huge keychains hate everything about life.
5. T-Shirt For 2
Because being constrained in a t-shirt is the PERFECT way to make love!
6. Chocolate Jesus
We know Jesus normally tastes like a stale cracker, but changing him to chocolate doesn't change the fact that you're eating Jesus. And for the things you probably want to do on Valentine's night, it's best to not have Jesus involved...
7. A Burial Plot
Couples often buy burial plots together because they want to be with each other forever, even after death. That's nice and all, but don't use this holiday to do that especially if it's your first Valentine's with your significant other. "Hey, honey. I bought you your final resting place. Now come over here and lay down with me..."
8. Gift Certificate To Toby Keith's I Love This Bar And Grill
No you don't. No one does.
9. Fresh Balls
This gift is basically saying, "Hey, your balls smell terrible." And your response can be, "Well, you shouldn't have bought me those beef jerky underwear."
10. Maid Costume
Surprisingly, women aren't usually thrilled when you buy them skimpy outfits for your pleasure. "Hey, babe. Put this on so I can get all horny then rip it off." There's a feeling of romance missing from this sentiment.
11. Bull Testicle Pie
This pie, made with bull testicles, is suppose to be a male aphrodisiac. But here's a clue, ladies. You know what makes men aroused? Boobs. Butts. A female's presence. A female walking. A female sleeping. A female on a phone. ANYTHING ELSE BUT BULL BALLS.
12. A Dead Cat
This goes without saying, but don't get your significant other a dead animal. Really kills the mood.
13. Luxury Condoms
Because when you get down on your knee and present a box, it better have a ring in it. She won't like it if you say, "Baby, I think I want to spend my life with you. Now, open this box and put this expensive dong hat on my penis."