Even if you’re not a fan of heavy metal music because you value the physical ability to hear, you have to admire the cover art. These are more than just portraits designed to tap into the natural destructive tendencies of their fans.
They offer sweeping landscapes of beautiful, fictional lands that only a true artist could bring before our eyes. They present dark, haunting images of mighty warriors engaging in epic, sweeping battles. They feature images of women with unrealistic standards of beauty in less clothing than a stripper wears during her set. We scoured the web and found 13 of the most metal album covers ever to meddle with a metal fan’s metal loving eyes.
This is what we imagined an evening at Medieval Times would be like before we actually went and realized there was no blood or skeleton armies involved in the show.
This screams “America! F*#& yeah!” – Are we bombing copies of this album on our enemies? If not, we should be.
Hot chicks and power tools are the backbone of all great heavy metal album covers. The same rule would apply to Home Depot catalogs if they didn’t have a complaint department.
War is a typical theme for metal album covers, which is also why so many of them have hot babes in various states of battle and undress. It’s the ultimate weapon, the perfect marriage of death and distraction. The Pentagon is always looking for ways to create a weaponized Kate Upton.
It’s a rule that every heavy metal album has to have warriors, skeleton or something on fire. This album covers all three rules. If they missed fire, their fans would have to set it on fire to make up for the loss.
This is a heavy metal fan’s wet dream. They secretly dream of being a leather clad warrior big enough to destroy the world the way that a Brony secretly dreams they were forever a small girl.
Could you actually drive a bike with buzz saws for wheels? The Mythbusters should get around to this one when they run out of 80’s action movie scenes to reenact.
“Dungeons and Dragons” fans would wear this armor everyday of their lives if it wasn’t so hard to wash iron and the spikes didn’t take out so many eyes in the office break room.
There’s a reason you don’t read words and phrases like “uplifting” and “life-affirming” in reviews of heavy metal albums. This cover is so bleak that it makes Death himself wonder if he should have majored in art history in college.
KIA should work these images into their next ad campaign.
Heavy metal album or LARP romantic fiction cover? You be the judge.
Fighting with lightning makes any sense cooler. Imagine a picture of two schoolyard ninnies going at it and one of them renders a lightning bolt. Not even the presence of wet pants could ruin such an awesome sight.
Beware of albums with unconscious sexual images, especially in 80’s heavy metal album covers. There’s a good chance that the woman who posed for this album could have been your mother.
What do you think is the “most metal” album cover of all time?
The music could suck, but the cover could still be METAL!
Follow Danny Gallagher @thisisdannyg.