12 Lies We’ve All Been Told

We’ve all heard at least one of these things, probably from a parent trying to protect us or from a friend who had no idea what they were talking about. They were truths that ended up being complete lies. Be prepared to have your life turned upside-down, bro, because shit is getting real.

1. Cold showers DON’T kill arousal.

It’s a popular idea that, if you’re aroused and need to kill that awkward boner, you can just jump in a cold shower. But while it can have a slight effect, recent studies have shown that the cold actually can provide more testosterone in a male, making their boners even more bonier.


2. The Five-Second Rule DOESN’T Exist

Mythbusters pointed this out a few years ago. There is no significant difference between bacteria on food after two seconds of floor exposure compared to six seconds. If it touches the floor, throw it away, people.

Can science explain my lack of self-control when it comes to eating off the floor? No. Shut up, science.


3. Masturbation DOESN’T Give You Hairy Hands

This is an old myth used as a deterrent. There is no scientific evidence this happens and if you need a source, come look at my hands. If anyone’s hands should be a matted, gross, hairy mess, it’s mine.

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Thanks, RedTube!


4. Your Dog DIDN’T Go Live On A Farm

It either ran away, was given up for adoption, or put down. Your parents are liars.


5. Poinsettias AREN’T Lethal

This lie stems from World War I, where a child got sick, told everyone he ate a poinsettia, then died. But scientists and doctors have proven that poinsettias aren’t lethal so that kid probably died from being a dirty liar.


6. Dropping a penny from the Empire State Building WON’T Kill Someone

When you throw a penny off the top of the building, it reaches terminal velocity at about 50 feet later. terminal velocity occurs when a penny’s balance between gravity and air resistance is equal and opposite. So by the time it hits you on the head, it’s really only going about 25 mph and won’t hurt you at all. Don’t trust me? This info is from Scientific American, a source that is scientific AND American, making it 200% correct.


7. Beauty ISN’T on the inside.

Come to find out, your insides are f**king gross.

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Don’t my intestines turn you on?


8. Gum DOESN’T Take Seven Years To Digest

Gum digests just like every other food you eat. Now, if you eat only gum, then maybe you can blow a bubble with your farts. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a fun and exciting new type of frat hazing if I’ve ever heard of one!


9. You DON’T Need Eight Glasses Of Water A Day

Water is good, but you don’t need ot oversaturate yourself with it. From what we’ve read (we haven’t read this), it’s best to mix four glasses of water a day with four shots of pure-grain moonshine.

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Guys, my insides are melting.


10. You CAN’T Get An STD From A Toilet Seat

Thanks God! Now, I can go back to rubbing my dick all over the toilet seats before everyone gets into work.


11. Decaf coffee HAS Caffeine

On average, one cup of decaf coffee has about 1/10 the amount of caffeine. That’s all I got. I don’t really have coffee jokes. Do you? Put them in the comments!


12. Men DON’T Think Of Sex Every Seven Seconds

According to a 2012 study at Ohio State University, men actually think of sex, on average, 19 times a day while women think of it 10 times a day. I know science and studies are supposed to be full of facts and whatnot, but I’m pretty sure I’ve thought of sex at least 19 times while writing this blog and don’t know if this study is correct. Then again, it is from Ohio, where Cleveland is, and we all know how that is working out…


– Mark