Some bad news hit the web today for frequent flyers with extremely disposable incomes and a lack of decent taste in home decor. The inflight catalog SkyMall has filed for bankruptcy protection thanks to a changing digital world that has made it easier for people to buy crap that no one needs without having to consult a catalog they read on a flight after their iPad died. We’re gonna miss that dumb, dumb catalog, so here’s a look at some of the actual items they tried to get people to buy before they went belly up.
1. iFetch Ball Launcher for Dogs
Are you tired of the personal connection you make with your pet by physically playing with them? You’re in luck because this electronic ball launcher will play fetch for you so you can neglect your pet without all that nagging guilt haunting your conscience.
2. Magic Wand Remote Control
The fact that we have a device that can control every aspect of our TV would be magical enough but some actually need to feel like they are using the dark arts or voodoo to tell their TiVo to record the next episode of “Storage Wars.” This remote control lets you live out your fantasy of being a wizard who has very low life goals.
3. EZ Jumper
Technically, this dummy-proof jump rope doesn’t make it easier to jump rope. That implies that there’s still a challenge to overcome. They just took out the part where you have to actually jump over the rope. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just pretend you have a jump rope?
4. Forest Faces
This is perfect for the football fan who wants to celebrate his favorite team on game day and give their friends and neighbors nightmares about trees trying to eat their souls.
5. Winky Cross Body Bag
This item is more than just a creepy name for a handbag that sounds like a cheery accessory for a coroner’s office. It’s also creepy in its own right since it has a giant eye on one side that winks at people as they walk by it.
6. Roswell, the Alien Butler
Butlers are the perfect purchase for a rich guy or gal to tell the world just how rich they are. Getting this alien butler is the perfect way to tell people that you drink a lot on planes.
7. The Subservient Dragon Table
This glass top table is held up by a yard tall resin dragon made with a “Gothic greystone finish.” Having this in your living room will make you look like you live in the cover of a Saxon album.
8. Suitcase Scooter
If mankind is tired of doing anything, it’s walking. Now you can transport your goods without having to use all of your legs’ power and risk a possibly head injury all at once! That’s going to save you a lot of time.
9. Tranquil Sounds Oxygen Bar
Everyone loves delicious oxygen but the atmosphere just can’t push it into your lungs fast enough. Now you can breathe loads of delicious oxygen with this machine and if SkyMall had stayed in business just a little bit longer, we’re sure they’d sell you some kind of device that would also do your breathing for you.
10. Serenity Dog Pod
Your dog has it rough. They have to spend all day in a giant house while you go out to make a living. They get to sleep whenever they want. Even your dog needs a little time to itself to mellow out from all that freedom and lack of soul-crushing responsibility and this calming pod will help them do just that.
Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg.