2014 was a big year for the weird, the depraved and folks who really wanted to get into some downright debaucheries. For one; people had sex with lots of interesting stuff and all of it wasn’t human. From horses, to toy horses to motorcycles, ya’ll got your rocks off the way you wanted- no matter what anyone thought. Some of you even had sex with rocks.
Other people had fun mutilating their own bodies in entertaining mays, spending thousands of dollars to look like their heroes like Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. The fact that there was more than one Kim Kardashian plastic surgery lookalike just proves what a “great” year 2014 was for weird. And let’s not forget the guy who painted a portrait of Kardashian’s infamous ass photo– with his dick.
Such a great year for weirdness and filth, but we’re not judging! We love all humans for their sick, twisted and filthy adventures that we can sit back and watch unfold from the comfort and sheltered existence of our computers where we can make insightful, thought provoking commentary. So to recap the year in weird here are Break’s Top Ten Weirdest Weird News Stories Of 2014. Or at least these were the ones we could remember; it’s been a long year! Tell us which ones we missed that you thought were great!
These two love each other so much they complete each other’s sentences.
Some of us guys are in a sexual relationship with ourselves, not by our own choice. One British woman, Grace Gelder who was sick of being single decided to forego looking for a man to spend the rest of her life with the woman of her dreams; herself. This should prove for happy marriage where everyone gets to eat what they want for dinner and stay out at parties as long as they like, am I right 1980’s stand-up comedians?
The founder and curator of The Icelandic Phallological Museum Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson, has spent 40 years collecting and preserving every type of mammal penis on Earth. His museum is just like Noah’s Ark, if Noah was obsessed with dicks. The film The Final Member documents his quest to attain a human specimen to complete his collection before he dies.
A Colorado man had a banana in his pocket and he was NOT happy to see the police. That’s because Nathan Rolf Channing was arrested for pointing his phallic shaped fruit at two Mesa County deputies. What, was he peeling without a permit? It turns out that the cops thought it was a yellow gun.
A woman named Kristi Rhines in Lawton, Oklahoma, was hoping for some divine intervention when it came time to pay her bill at the El Chico Mexican restaurant. Lots of people try the old “dine and dash” when the check arrives, but this may be the first time someone has tried to “dine and pray.” After eating and drinking at the restaurant for several hours, Rhines told staff that her husband was on his way to pick up the tab and it wouldn’t be a problem. After all; she is married to Jesus Christ. Management appealed to a lower authority; the cops who promptly arrested her for fraud when she was unable to pay.
A lot of people thought we made this story up and debated its scientific and biological accuracy; well have at it. It was reported in local Italian news and later translated into English on a horrific thing that apparently can happen during sex in the water. An Italian couple found this out the hard way when they were having sex in the ocean and the man was unable to extract his Italian sausage. Like a pornographic three legged race the couple made their way to the hospital where things only got weirder. In the hospital emergency room doctors gave the woman an injection which is normally used during child birth to dilate the uterus in order for her lady business to unclamp. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore; When your genitals become stuck together while having sex in the ocean, that’s horrific!
We actually called this one the weirdest story of the year back when we posted it in August. That’s because Krystina Butel spent $215,000 on plastic surgery in an effort to make herself look like a caricature… of herself. When she was 15 she got a caricature done on vacation and quickly became fixated with making herself look like it. Starting when she was 17 she hopped on the plastic surgery train to freak town getting botox, semi-permanent make-up and five, count them –five boob jobs, pumping her up from a 32D to a 36K. To top it off she even had her nipples tattooed into the shape of hearts.
Language School Blogger Fired For Writing About Homophones
Tim Torkildson was a social media blogger for the Nomen Global Language Center in Utah. Nomen is a school that teaches English to non-native speakers. Torkildso decided a hot social media topic to blog about would be “homophones.” You might recall from second-grade English class that homophones are words that sound like other words, but have a different meaning such as “two” and “to.” However his boss, the owner of the school that teaches people English, Clarke Woodger was horrified by the blog post, as he thought readers would think it has something to do with gay sex. So he promptly fired Torkildson. As Woodger himself told a local newspaper, “People at this level of English may see the ‘homo’ side and think it has something to do with gay sex.”
Hey immigrants, are you sure you still want to come to this country and learn to speak English? You might be lumped in with seven-year olds who laugh at the word cocker spaniel.
Former ComCast customer Ryan Block shared with the world the maddeningly frustrating interaction he had trying to cancel his service and posted it to Sound Cloud. It’s really a “delight” to listen to the insanity of it. Anyone who has ever had a bad, batshit crazy interaction with a customer service rep related to this call which turned into a PR nightmare for the notorious cable company. I’m still not sure if ComCast employees are being held hostage and if they lose a customer a member of their immediate family is shot to death in front of them.
Most people have dated someone after meeting them online. It’s become common practice unless you’re living in the telephone book ages where that just seems kinda creepy. Well, for one man in Sherman Oaks, CA who prefers to remain anonymous, it actually went to that creepy level pretty quick. At around 5AM, he realized someone had tried to enter his home through the chimney, but (luckily?) became stuck about 8 ft. from the top. The Santa-wannabe, Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa’s (30), was actually someone the home owner had gone on a few dates with recently. Wonder if illegal entry was a part of her “interests”.
Hey guys, you remember how WEIRD that was when everyone saw Jennifer Lawrence naked? This year saw the coming of The Fappening as it became known. 8/31/14; the day hackers on 4Chan released a treasure trove of nude photos of Hollywood starlets including Lawrence and Kate Upton. The weeks following saw more celeb nudes thrust upon the world. Some of us might not remember this story as we blacked out shortly after seeing dozens of pictures of A list celebrities naked. One guy in Florida even tried to have an “art” exhibit showing off the hacked photos. Others weren’t too happy about the whole thing, calling it an attack on privacy. In the end the world moved on, but in our hearts we still remember.
So cheers to a happy 2015 full of more weirdness for us to all enjoy!
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney