Thanksgiving is a time for family, friends, fun and mostly food. We eat 46 million turkeys on Thanksgiving every year and there’s a good reason for that. They’re delicious. Some turkeys, however, have witnessed some strange things around the holidays, even more weird than the sight of your own body being slowly consumed by strange, flesh covered creatures. We’ve compiled some of our favorites in this special Thanksgiving list (and we didn’t cheat by using stories that involving “Wild Turkey.”) We sincerely hope you have a happier Thanksgiving than some of these poor bastards.
1. Cop opens fire on turkey that peed on his car
Detective Andy Jackson of the Maury County Sheriff’s Office in Tennessee must have been having a bad day when a turkey decided to take a leak on his squad car. He opened fire with a service pistol to scare the bird off. However an anonymous tip to the sheriff’s department earned him an investigation and a reprimand. Source.
2. People fight each other with turkeys in supermarket fight
Shopping for the holidays may be hell but at least it prepares you for the inevitable fight when your entire family decides to stand together in the same room. The people inside a Madison, Wisconsin supermarket must have barbarians for relatives because two groups of women got into a massive food fight over money that started when one sprayed the other with pepper spray and ended with them trying to assault each other with frozen turkeys.
3. Inmate caught eating a state fair turkey leg on his Facebook page
A Mississippi jail got in hot water after an inmate at the Hinds County jail posted a picture of him enjoying a delicious turkey leg, despite the fact that he was still in jail. The case is still under investigation but it appears that an employee of the jail provided the inmate with the turkey leg. The inmate should consider himself lucky considering how most contraband is smuggled into prisons these days. Source.
4. Guy tried to heat his home with a turkey fryer
The holidays aren’t as happy for some homes, especially those that can’t afford to keep the heat on during the coldest time of the year. A man in Lebanon, Pennsylvania, however, got the bright idea to heat his home using a turkey fryer. Police originally went to the man’s home after someone called to complain that he smashed up their car with a pipe and found a bunch of stolen propane tanks in his backyard. That’s when they discovered the turkey fryer running at full blast next to a stockpile of combustible materials. He’s lucky the turkey wasn’t the only thing fried that year. Source.
5. Aggressive turkey holds family hostage for an hour
Turkeys might seem like docile creatures but they can become quite ornery sometimes. You would be too if you realized you were about to become a main course. A family in Corinne, Utah had been dealing with a rather angry turkey for several weeks before it finally snapped. A neighbor’s pet turkey started attacking their dog causing lacerations on its face. Eventually it went after the rest of the family, trapping them in their home. They called the police who shot the turkey when it tried to attack one of the responding officers. That’s one badass turkey. Source.
6. Turkey Stalks Detroit Woman
Turkeys can also be downright bastards sometimes. Take the case of a Michigan woman who had to take a different route during her daily commute because she was repeatedly stalked by a wild turkey that believes its protecting territory on her property. The turkey became so irate and even violent that she had to change her commute. The turkey eventually figured out her new route and continued to stalk and chase her. Source.
7. Guy Gets Stabbed Over Leftover Turkey
The best part of Thanksgiving is all those delicious leftovers. So it’s understandable how a fight could start if someone ate all the leftover turkey. What’s not understandable is why a guy in Indiana would stab his mom’s boyfriend for eating his Thanksgiving leftovers unless the thought was that he could cut him open so he could get his leftovers back. Source.
8. PETA tried to erect a turkey memorial in Utah
We’re all for erecting a statue of a turkey if it’s to celebrate the world’s most delicious bird. Considering the fact that PETA tried to erect it, we’re pretty sure that’s not the case. Back in May, the animal rights group wanted to erect a memorial at the site of a truck accident in Salt Lake City where hundreds of turkeys in the truck died as a result of the crash. The proposed memorial completely ignored the fact that a person actually died in the same accident.
9. Woman assaulted with turkey neck
Turkeys are amazing. Not only do they make a delicious meal that can last for days but parts of them also make for handy weapons. A man in Florida (where else?) earned himself battery charges for using a turkey neck in a fight with his wife over their joint checkbook. He struck her in the neck (the woman’s neck, not the turkey’s) with it and then threw it at her when she tried to fight back. Source.
10. Carjacker hit with frozen turkey
Thanksgiving isn’t just a day for self-reflection. It should also be a time of giving and celebrating humanity. Some people in North Carolina found the ultimate way to pay tribute to their fellow man by using a frozen turkey to stop a robber and a carjacker. A man stole money from the register of a convenience store and tried to take a woman’s car while she was loading groceries in her car. Some people walking out of the grocery store saw the man beating the woman and trying to take her keys so they walked up and started beating him with a frozen turkey. Police eventually found him with a “serious head wound.” Source.
Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg