10 Weirdest Ways People Tried to Get Away With Shoplifting

Shoplifting is a desperate crime. Some steal things from stores because they can’t afford to buy them or they have a psychotic need to take thongs that don’t belong to them. Desperation can cloud a person’s judgment very easily and cause them to do things that would make people wonder if they suffered a stroke of if there’s a history of inbreeding in their bloodline.

1. Woman Hides TV Up Her Dress 

Security cameras in a Costa Rican store captured footage of a woman trying to stuff a plasma TV up her dress and the amazing part is she actually walked out of the store with it. This footage wasn’t discovered until two months after the theft occurred. Apparently, this is where babies and plasma TVs come from in Costa Rica. Source.

2. Man Hides Chainsaw In His Pants 

Florida continued its never ending quest to provide the nation with countless moments of top notch entertainment thanks to this guy who tried to sneak a chainsaw out of a store in his pants and fled the store on a bicycle. We’re pretty sure that “Don’t put the chainsaw in your pants” is in the safety manual that comes with the chainsaw or at least it will be from now on. Source.

3. Man Used Scooter as a Getaway Vehicle 

A man in Milton, Georgia tried to steal a bunch of items from a Walmart by leading the store clerks on a high speed chase on his Rascal scooter. The second time, he got off the scooter and tried to flee with a walker while wielding a knife. It wouldn’t have sounded so sad if he had a retractable knife on the walker like some kind of elderly James Bond villain. Source.

4. Woman Used Her Poop as a Weapon 

Store clerks caught a woman at a Macy’s in (you guessed it) Florida tried to steal some things and as they tried to detain her, she reached into her underpants, pulled out a handful of her own you-know-what and tried to smear it all over the security guards detaining her. We hope that she stole some Purell as well. Source.

5. Woman Hid Shoes Under Her Breasts 

Another woman in (wait for it) Florida tried to steal some items from a department store by hiding them in her purse and a pair of shoes under her breasts. This is probably the only time that the word “funbags” was both a euphemism and a technical term. Source.

6. Man Hid Stolen Ferret in His Pants 

Rodney Bolton of (oh, I don’t know, could it be….) Jacksonville Beach, Florida tried to talk out of a pet store with a ferret by stuffing the poor little guy in his pants. We presume he did this because he couldn’t pay for it and he really wanted someone to ask him if that was a ferret in his pants or if they were just glad to see him. Source.

7. Woman Hid Drugs, Perfume in Her Butt Crack 

Randi Nicole Tucker of (guess where?) Jonesboro, Arkansas (ha ha! we fooled you!) tried to walk out of a store with some Xanax tables and Ed Hardy perfume by stuffing them “in the crack of her buttocks.” Source.

8. Woman Hid Vibrator Behind Her Baby 

Misty Ann Lee of Spartanburg, South Carolina really wanted a vibrator she saw at a Spencer’s Gifts in her local mall. So she hid it behind her baby in her stroller. Does that mean the baby is an accomplice? Source.

9. Woman Stealing TVs, Computers Fakes Heart Attack, Amnesia 

Police in Chattanooga, Tennessee arrested a couple for trying to walk out of a Walmart with a shopping cart filled with TVs and computers. When security officials stopped the couple, the woman Lisa Hill faked a heart attack and pretended that she didn’t know her husband. Fortunately, both are covered under the Affordable Care Act. Source.

10. Man Steals Purses, Tries to Get Away in Drunk Driver’s Car 

Levar Fulgham of Farmington, Connecticut tried to steal an armload of handbags from a local store but the car he broke into had an ignition interlock device that prevents convicted drunk drivers from starting their cars. He didn’t know how to use it and that gave police enough to chase him down and Taser him. He probably tried to speak into the part you blow into like it was some kind of microphone for the vehicle. “Car! Activate engines!” Source.

Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg