The start of football season is bittersweet. It's amazing because football is back but sad because it makes you realize how dumb the parts of the year without football are. It also means it's time to start your fantasy football team. Everybody has a different method to their drafting madness, but we have some tips that'll help most people out. And just like a real football player, if you want to win, you have to work hard and not be afraid to get your brain hurt (with studying, that is).
1. Prepare Your Loved Ones Accordingly
If you have a significant other, it's time to sit him or her down and explain what is about to happen. Explain that Sundays are now officially off limits. It's fine if they want to go shopping or if they want to feel the warmth of the sun… but you can't. You have to watch every game. If they don't understand why, then maybe divorce or dump them. That seems extreme, but so does their insensitivity.
2. Don't Draft Anyone From The Jets
The Jets are like that bad team from the movies that is full of bad players that just can't figure out how to play a game. But unlike in the movie, they never get good, they never get along, and the movie ends with you wondering why they even try. I could be a better quarterback than Mark Sanchez and I barely know how to throw a football.
Football hard. Football real hard.
3. Take Anger Management Courses
Punching holes in walls sets a bad example for your children.
4. Don't Let Your Hatred Of A Player Stop You From Drafting Them
Tony Romo isn't the worst quarterback in the NFL. That honor goes to whomever is on the Jets. But he is one of the worst and he is the reason the Cowboys are no longer America's team. Even God is like, "Hey, can we close the hole in Cowboy Stadium today? I'd rather not see my mistake." However, he gets great numbers and lots of points in fantasy football. It's just those numbers don't mean anything in a real game because he chokes all the time.
5. Do Draft Adrian Peterson
Science doesn't know what he is, but fantasy football knows he is a winner.
Adrian Peterson ain't about this life.
6. Take Breaks From Time To Time
Sundays are work days for the fantasy footballer and like normal work days, you'll need a break. Take a walk around your place, maybe go outside just to get out of your stench vapors for a few moments. If you have kids, maybe give them a few minutes of attention so you don't seem like such a deadbeat. But don't give them too many minutes because there's work to do.
7. Invest In Mirrors
If you're not blessed with multiple devices and services, then you might only have one television to watch a game on. That's okay. Set up some mirrors and you'll be fine.
8. Have A Good Team Name
No one takes you seriously if your team name is something like "The Danger Zone" or "The Killerz." Make it a name that people will take notice of like "The Pork Shack" or "The Annexation of Puerto Rico."
9. Put Butts Up Around Your TV
Like a good football coach, you want to pat your players on the butt for doing good work. Print off each player's butt and tape them around your screen. That way, when they do well, you can pat them like a real coach. Plus, you get off the couch. Exercise!
10. No Matter What, Keep Talking Trash
Win or lose, keep up the trash talk. If you need any advice on how to do this, watch your 12-year-old play Call of Duty on Xbox Live for a few hours.
Good luck this year!
- Mark (follow on Twitter)