Halloween may be a holiday for families but it wasn’t designed for families who are sticklers for good judgment. The evening is racked with peril especially if you come from the kind of clan where the most successful member is the guy who operates at the slop bucket at the local KFC.
Ya’ll know the backstory of “Freddy Krueger” – right?
Children are allowed to roam the streets at night in dark, poorly lit costumes. They knock on strangers doors in search of candy. And if they do make it back to the house, they usually spend the night stuffing their faces with sugar until they are one Sweettart away from a diabetic stroke. Throw in a set of family genes with a lower IQ and you’ve got a story that will either land them on the news, in Child Protective Services or a sweet development deal for a show on TLC. For some families, the poor judgment starts long before their kids even set foot outside on Halloween night. Here are some of the costume choices that grown adults made or can make for their children, which Whitney Houston tried to warn us are “our future.”
1. A Pot Leaf
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We see nothing wrong with a grown adult wanting to light up, eat a couple of Twinkies and pass out after giggling for hours at the Weather Channel. Dressing up a baby as a pot leaf, however, seems a little dangerous. One day, a parent is going to get stoned off their ass and accidentally try to roll up and smoke a baby.
2. A Cigarette
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Mothers aren’t supposed to smoke while they are pregnant but the parents of the people who designed this costume clearly didn’t heed that warning. Besides, you know a costume idea is bad when even a cigarette company won’t sell their customers one in exchange for a wheelbarrow full of Camel Cash.
3. A Hooters Waitress
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If you decide to dress up your child as a Hooters waitress during their very early developmental stages, one of two things will happen: (1) They’ll believe that all self-esteem comes from shallow, baseless ideas about physical beauty and the worth of another person or (2) They’ll believe that Hooters is considered “fine dining.” I don’t want to know which is worse.
4. Walter White
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We get it. You’re such a huge fan of perhaps the greatest show in the history of television to prove to Vince Gilligan, Bryan Cranston and the world how much you love it. That would only make sense if Vince Gilligan and Bryan Cranston worked on “Teletubbies” or “Yo Gabba Gabba,” even if it would create a lot more questions and spectacular nightmares.
5. Infant Pimp
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We can’t think of a better way to introduce a little person with a deep curiosity and a malleable mind to the concepts of economics than by sticking them in this costume. That sounds like we think it’s OK but we don’t because we just know dressing up a baby as a pimp will somehow lead them to a life of crime and greed or worse, a job on Wall Street.
6. Phat Pimp
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Dressing up a slightly older kid as a “phat pimp” is also a dumb idea. It not only enforces mean stereotypes and teaches bad lessons about greed and the mistreatment of women but it also encourages poor spelling skills.
7. The Little Amigo
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We’re not sure what’s more offensive: the fact that this kind of costume still exists in this day and age or the fact that they make it in a child’s size. The only way it could be worse is if it came with a little “Minuteman” border guardsman for their older brother or sister.
8. CDC Ebola Worker
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As soon as the first infected person stepped on to American shores, we just knew that someone out there with a tarp and a sewing machine was already hard at work on what they thought would be the funniest costume ever. Now they make them for kids. Did people in the Dark Ages dress up as giant rats for Halloween during the days of Bubonic Plague?
9. Ray Rice
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If you thought it was inappropriate when fans wore Ray Rice jerseys to Baltimore Ravens games after he beat his wife and eventually got kicked off the team, then imagine the length of our jaws when we saw a parent dressing up his kid in one. They even give him a little doll that he can drag by its hair just to complete the belief the costume’s motif that there’s no hope for humanity and that God is not only dead but his corpse is starting to smell.
10. A Trojan Condom Wrapper
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If dressing your child up as sanitized versions of weed, meth makers and sex traffic workers (yay, pimps!) fulfills all your Halloween costume desires, you might want to consider this last one. The Trojan Condom Wrapper child’s Halloween costume will remind you of what you should have used in the first place.
What is the weirdest Halloween costume you have ever seen a kid dressed up as?