10 Hilariously Pathetic Real-Life Murder Plots

Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of metal band As I Lay Dying, is probably dying from embarrassment now that he is in jail for trying to hire someone to kill his ex-wife.

 

On May 7, 2013, Lambesis was arrested after trying to hire an undercover officer to off his ex. The undercover officer was present only because of a tip police received days before that Lambesis was asking around for someone to kill his wife… because asking for these things nonchalantly is a good idea?

 

Will you murder my wife? No? Okay, can you think of anyone who will?

 

We all know someone we don’t like: a friend, family member, an ex, someone that just gets under our skin. But most of us also know that hiring someone to murder them is a bad idea. Here are 9 more dumb, would-be murderers who never got that memo.

 

 

A Beary-Bad Plan

This plan is as awesome and bad as the pun in this subhead. Clyde Gardner wanted his ex-girlfriend dead and had a plan: kill a bear, skin it, then wear the hide and maul her to death while in it. There would be no traces of him left behind on her body.

 

But he abandoned that super smart plan and, instead, paid a friend $500 toward a $15,000 payday to just hit her with a car. The friend promptly reported Gardner, and he is now behind bars for 5 – 15 years.

 

However, this plan lives on in an amazing screenplay I am writing titled The Grizzly Murders. It’s full of puns. I’ll be by the phone, Hollywood.

 

 

A Suicidal Murdering Cat

Brett Nash hated the rich guy who was trying to sleep with his wife. Hated him so much he wanted revenge…

 

The plan was simple: get the guy and his cat into a tub full of water then drop a radio in to send thousands of volts of electricity through them all. The scene would look obvious: the cat pushed the radio in, killing the man and itself.

 

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Which one is the real murderer?

 

Brett was so happy with his flawless plan that he had to brag to his friend, a former murderer who was rehabilitated. And what you might not know is part of rehabilitation is becoming a new, better person – one who reports murder plots to parole officers.

 

Nash faces 20-years in prison.

 

 

Multiple Life Insurance Policies Make You A Target

Dorothy Cascone wanted money. Lots of it. And her ex-husband, George Cascone, had four life insurance policies. What’s a lady to do? Simple: turn to her boyfriend of three weeks and ask him to off the ex-husband.

 

Fortunately, the would-be-killer turned Dorothy in and George was able to give this very informative and hilarious interview to the local news:

 

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Killer Voodoo

After 20 years of marriage, Raymond Bradshaw’s wife had enough. She filed for divorce and left. Unable to get over the heartache, Raymond tried to fix his heart the only way he knew how: kill her through voodoo.

 

When that didn’t work, he tried to convince his sister to have her 16-year-old mentally handicapped son kill his ex-wife. When caught, because he was young and handicapped, he’d have a short sentence.

 

The sister didn’t see the silver lining of the plan the way he did and reported him to police.

 

 

Bearded Blunder

If you’re going to use a fake beard, make sure it’s high quality. This is advice Frank Cipriani could have used.

 

Cipriani wanted his girlfriend’s husband out of the picture, so he posed as building inspector, wearing a fake beard, and met the husband at a house he was remodeling. There, he pulled a gun and was about to shoot the man (and frame it as a suicide), when his beard fell off. Another inspector arrived (a real one) soon after and Cipriani fled. And without the beard, he was easily identified.

 

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Worse disguise ever?

 

Cipriani will be in jail for a while.

 

 

Bieber’s Balls

Well, this one is on a whole other level…

 

Dana Martin was obsessed with Justin Bieber. He even had Bieber’s face tattooed on his leg. He was also in a New Mexico prison serving a 978-year sentence for rape and murder. But Belieblers are tenacious…

 

Martin hired two men to kidnap Bieber, use a neck tie (specifically a paisley patterned tie) to strangle him to death, then cut off his testicles. The two men would receive $2,500 for each testicle (and honestly, that number seems incredibly low. It’s not like I think about Bieber’s balls a lot, but when I do, I imagine them being smooth, I mean, expensive).

 

But thanks to the Lord above, the plan was foiled and Bieber is still alive and full of balls.

 

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A Murder For The Books

Nancy Gelber had published a crime book titled “Temporary Amnesia,” a story about a man who breaks out of prison and uses a team of prostitutes to rob banks. And somehow, according to her, this made her an expert in investigative procedures. She could help plan her husband’s murders, and she and the hired gun would get away with it.

 

But her expertise didn’t take into account that there are informants who have brains and souls. She got caught and is in jail for at least 15 years.

 

And why did she want him dead? Because he “had changed” and also had a $60,000 life insurance policy.

 

 

Facebook Murder

Well, you can’t get more nonchalant than this. London Eley posted on her Facebook wall that she would “pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father.” And lucky for her, Timotyh Bynum responded to the inquiry saying “say no more” and “what he look like?” and “need dat stack 1st.”

 

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Wanna kill my husband? Poke me back!

 

Someone with more brain cells than these two reported the exchange to police.

 

If only they had done this on MySpace, no one would have known…

 

 

For The Unnatural Love Of Family

Amy Bessey, 42, wanted her husband’s $250,000 life insurance money. She enlisted her son, 21, and brother, 39, to do a drive-by shooting. The two went through with it, but the husband, Robert Bessey, survived a shot to the neck and was able to identify the car used in the drive-by.

 

Then it gets weird and gross. According to police, the mother and son had a very close relationship, frequented nightclubs, and liked to grope each other in public. Not included in the police report is the sound of vomiting by the detectives who discovered these facts.

 

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Spanking isn’t a punishment to this mother.

 

If we’ve learned anything today, it’s this: don’t have life insurance policies and don’t stick your dick into crazy.

 

– Mark (twitter)