10 Hilariously Pathetic Real-Life Murder Plots

Mark-Potts by Mark-Potts on May. 09, 2013

Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of metal band As I Lay Dying, is probably dying from embarrassment now that he is in jail for trying to hire someone to kill his ex-wife.

 

On May 7, 2013, Lambesis was arrested after trying to hire an undercover officer to off his ex. The undercover officer was present only because of a tip police received days before that Lambesis was asking around for someone to kill his wife... because asking for these things nonchalantly is a good idea?

 

Will you murder my wife? No? Okay, can you think of anyone who will?

 

We all know someone we don't like: a friend, family member, an ex, someone that just gets under our skin. But most of us also know that hiring someone to murder them is a bad idea. Here are 9 more dumb, would-be murderers who never got that memo.

 

 

A Beary-Bad Plan

This plan is as awesome and bad as the pun in this subhead. Clyde Gardner wanted his ex-girlfriend dead and had a plan: kill a bear, skin it, then wear the hide and maul her to death while in it. There would be no traces of him left behind on her body.

 

But he abandoned that super smart plan and, instead, paid a friend $500 toward a $15,000 payday to just hit her with a car. The friend promptly reported Gardner, and he is now behind bars for 5 - 15 years.

 

However, this plan lives on in an amazing screenplay I am writing titled The Grizzly Murders. It's full of puns. I'll be by the phone, Hollywood.

 

 

A Suicidal Murdering Cat

Brett Nash hated the rich guy who was trying to sleep with his wife. Hated him so much he wanted revenge...

 

The plan was simple: get the guy and his cat into a tub full of water then drop a radio in to send thousands of volts of electricity through them all. The scene would look obvious: the cat pushed the radio in, killing the man and itself.

 

Which one is the real murderer?

 

Brett was so happy with his flawless plan that he had to brag to his friend, a former murderer who was rehabilitated. And what you might not know is part of rehabilitation is becoming a new, better person - one who reports murder plots to parole officers.

 

Nash faces 20-years in prison.

 

 

Multiple Life Insurance Policies Make You A Target

Dorothy Cascone wanted money. Lots of it. And her ex-husband, George Cascone, had four life insurance policies. What's a lady to do? Simple: turn to her boyfriend of three weeks and ask him to off the ex-husband.

 

Fortunately, the would-be-killer turned Dorothy in and George was able to give this very informative and hilarious interview to the local news:

 

22 comments
vold
vold User

Why couldn't the Bieber scheme have succeeded. Then we would finally be rid of that d-bag.

vold
vold

Why couldn't the Bieber scheme have succeeded. Then we would finally be rid of that d-bag.

OUtlin1
OUtlin1

And the last story 2 words, Eww & incest

OUtlin1
OUtlin1

Another bit of advice, ask & plan it on myspace, no one will ever read or discover it! (well at least before the crime)

OUtlin1
OUtlin1

George gave good advice for next time (obviously not hers)

johnsonjiggle
johnsonjiggle User

I disagree with the very last statement. crazy girls give you the best p-ssy and are usually the ones that give you a one night stand or 3 o'clock slop. just pick them up, give a false name, false number and BAM!! Great Sex.

johnsonjiggle
johnsonjiggle

I disagree with the very last statement. crazy girls give you the best p-ssy and are usually the ones that give you a one night stand or 3 o'clock slop. just pick them up, give a false name, false number and BAM!! Great Sex.

lillyandra
lillyandra User

Yeah the first guy realized a 36 year old woman with tats, piercings everywhere and a tramp stamp is just not as sexy as a 18 year old.

lillyandra
lillyandra

Yeah the first guy realized a 36 year old woman with tats, piercings everywhere and a tramp stamp is just not as sexy as a 18 year old.

B-A-S
B-A-S

Well for one, Bieber would have to have balls!

B-A-S
B-A-S

Well for one, Bieber would have to have balls!

passmore428
passmore428

Voltage doesn't technically kill either, amperage does.

passmore428
passmore428

Voltage doesn't technically kill either, amperage does.

B4ngkok
B4ngkok User

Oh and don't forget the AIDS... you can't forget about the AIDS.

passmore428
passmore428

Yea, then you find her outside your house at 3 am using your old discarded toothbrush to please herself while she licks your band-aids...

B4ngkok
B4ngkok

Oh and don't forget the AIDS... you can't forget about the AIDS.

passmore428
passmore428

Yea, then you find her outside your house at 3 am using your old discarded toothbrush to please herself while she licks your band-aids...

Aaron-Johansen-94
Aaron-Johansen-94

even though most girls at his concert are between 16-19...you get out much?