10 Hilariously Pathetic Real-Life Murder Plots

Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of metal band As I Lay Dying, is probably dying from embarrassment now that he is in jail for trying to hire someone to kill his ex-wife.


On May 7, 2013, Lambesis was arrested after trying to hire an undercover officer to off his ex. The undercover officer was present only because of a tip police received days before that Lambesis was asking around for someone to kill his wife... because asking for these things nonchalantly is a good idea?


Will you murder my wife? No? Okay, can you think of anyone who will?


We all know someone we don't like: a friend, family member, an ex, someone that just gets under our skin. But most of us also know that hiring someone to murder them is a bad idea. Here are 9 more dumb, would-be murderers who never got that memo.



A Beary-Bad Plan

This plan is as awesome and bad as the pun in this subhead. Clyde Gardner wanted his ex-girlfriend dead and had a plan: kill a bear, skin it, then wear the hide and maul her to death while in it. There would be no traces of him left behind on her body.


But he abandoned that super smart plan and, instead, paid a friend $500 toward a $15,000 payday to just hit her with a car. The friend promptly reported Gardner, and he is now behind bars for 5 - 15 years.


However, this plan lives on in an amazing screenplay I am writing titled The Grizzly Murders. It's full of puns. I'll be by the phone, Hollywood.



A Suicidal Murdering Cat

Brett Nash hated the rich guy who was trying to sleep with his wife. Hated him so much he wanted revenge...


The plan was simple: get the guy and his cat into a tub full of water then drop a radio in to send thousands of volts of electricity through them all. The scene would look obvious: the cat pushed the radio in, killing the man and itself.


Which one is the real murderer?


Brett was so happy with his flawless plan that he had to brag to his friend, a former murderer who was rehabilitated. And what you might not know is part of rehabilitation is becoming a new, better person - one who reports murder plots to parole officers.


Nash faces 20-years in prison.



Multiple Life Insurance Policies Make You A Target

Dorothy Cascone wanted money. Lots of it. And her ex-husband, George Cascone, had four life insurance policies. What's a lady to do? Simple: turn to her boyfriend of three weeks and ask him to off the ex-husband.


Fortunately, the would-be-killer turned Dorothy in and George was able to give this very informative and hilarious interview to the local news: