Christmas is the time of giving – and celebrating the birth of everyone’s favorite superhero, Baby Jesus. Much like in the Macaulay Culkin movie, Home Alone, there are also a lot of Christmas-orientated crimes that take place during this holiday season. Perhaps it’s too much egg not – or being freaked out by a reindeer with a red nose – that’s behind these Christmas wrongdoings? Grab your sleigh bells as we explore the craziest of Christmas crimes.
1) The Stealing of Baby Jesus
As long as there is outdoor mangers, there will be the stealing of Baby Jesus; plucked out of nativity scenes by Grinch-like thieves. Christmas Baby Jesus thefts have become so rampant; manager-owners have taken to equipping the youthful Christ with GPS systems. Here’s what a newspaper article said about a police probe of one such Baby Jesus theft in West Virginia:
“Two surveillance cameras depict a younger adult male, casually dressed with a side backpack, walk onto the nativity’s platform at 12:53 a.m. Friday. He swiped the baby Jesus and fled in a matter of seconds, jerking it away with such force that he lifted industrial-strength Velcro used to hold the decoration in place.”
A witness said: The thought of that is just very shocking. Total disbelief that somebody would do that.”
This particular Baby Jesus theft did not end happy: According to the local police, Baby Jesus was returned badly defaced. Someone wrote offensive images on the hand-painted figure including male genitalia, an obscenity, an upside down cross and horns, and the phrase “I hate you God.” Did Beavis & Butthead steal Baby Jesus?
2) SantaCon Assholes
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SantaCon was started by the art community of San Francisco – as a statement about consumerism during the Christmas season; where hundreds of participants dressed up like Santa Claus. When the event made its way to New York City, SantaCon became synonymous with drunken frat boys peeing on cars around Manhattan. This year there were two arrests and 85 summonses for disorderly conduct, open alcohol containers, and fighting amongst the Santa bros. Ho-ho-horrible!
3) Santa Bank Robberies
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Dressing as Santa is the perfect bank robber disguise. It’s like dressing as the ex-presidents in Point Break – but jollier. One such Santa entered the SunTrust bank in Nashville, Tennessee while dressed from head to toe a Santa suit and dark sunglasses, Santa demanded money at gunpoint. An eyewitness said: ‘He took his little red sack and pulled out a gun and told everyone to be still. He was actually jovial, which was scary. “
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Back in 2011, a South Carolina woman confessed to killing a family friend and leaving her body underneath a pile of Christmas presents, and then went off on a gift shopping spending spree with her debit cards. Sounds like the making of one of those Jeff Foxworthy jokes: “You might be a redneck if you kill a friend and burying them under some Christmas presents…”
5) The Cindy Lou Who of Burglars
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An Ohio man was arrested after being high out of his mind on bath salts, breaking into a family’s home then putting up some Christmas decorations, after which he plopped down on a couch to watch the local news alongside an 11-year-old boy who lived in the house. The man was charged with burglary and held in the country lockup. Bah-humbug!
6) Black Friday Brawls
Whenever I hear about fights breaking out at those god-awful Black Friday Christmas sales – I just think its natural selections finest hour; let those species go extinct. This past year, three Black Friday shoppers were arrested following a brawl at a Kohl’s store outside of Los Angeles. A fight broke out amongst five shoppers: When officers arrived, they found two victims with facial lacerations. One victim was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. The second victim was checked out and released on scene. Kind of like the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Jingle All The Way – except with angry women beating the shit out of each other.
7) Frosty Stabbings
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As long as there are inflatable Christmas characters – there will be no-good-niks who will try and bring them down. Take the case of two Ebenezer Scrooges in Ohio who were arrested for stabbing a 12-foot-tall inflatable Frosty the Snowman with a screwdriver. The two 18-year-olds were charged with criminal damaging of everyone’s most beloved Christmas characters. The Frosty crime was caught on tape by the homeowner who captured stabbing on a motion-sensitive video camera in a tree in his yard because the snowman had fallen victim to two earlier attacks.
The distraught homeowner was quoted: “The question I have is, ‘Why me?’ And why Frosty? I had more decorations to put out there but with Frosty going down, I wasn’t going to chance it.”
In a separate act of holiday vandalism, two other teenagers in the same area were charged with criminal damaging when they took a decorative candy cane from another yard and smashed it on the owner’s vehicle. Be sure to find lumps on coal in your stockings this year, boys.
8) Frosty Fights Back
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A Maryland man wearing a Frosty the Snowman costume was led away in handcuffs during his town’s annual Christmas parade. The grown man was charged with assaulting two police officers and a police dog, as well as disorderly conduct.
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After kicking the police dog, an officer escorted him away from the parade. When he was taking off the head portion of his Frosty costume, he hit the police officer in the face with it. Another lump of coal for this man.
9) The Empire Strikes Back at Toys R Us Christmas Shoppers
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A 33-year old Portland man was arrested for assaulting 3 people with a Star Wars blue light saber at Toys R Us. A 911 caller reported the incident and said the man was swinging the Star Wars weapon at Christmas shoppers. While on the 911 call, the man then left the store and walked out to the parking lot – with light saber in hand. When officers tried to arrest the man, he kept swinging the light saber at them. An officer pulled out his Taser, but the man knocked one of the wires away with the light saber. (Light saber beats taser.) The final ho-ho-ho: the man was knocked to the ground and faced several criminal charges. Guess what Santa didn’t put under his tree?
10) The Mistletoe Shootings
It was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring – except for a crazy man who was arrested for shooting at mistletoe at a Georgia shopping mall. The 66-year old man, was charged with reckless conduct and discharging a firearm on someone else’s property,
The man said he was merely following a holiday tradition when he used his double-barrel 12-gauge shotgun to knock the plant out of a tree outside the North DeKalb Mall. In his words: “Every year I go somewhere to get some mistletoe to decorate the house. I get some for my friends that can’t get mistletoe. The best way to get it is with a shotgun.” Next time you shoot for mistletoe, be sure not to accidently kill any of Santa’s elves.
Follow Harmon Leon on Twitter @HarmonLeon