Valentine’s Day is coming up quick and if you don’t have any plans to make that special person in your life feel even more special, you better start planning now. However, if you’re looking for an excuse to break up with that soon to be ex-special someone, you can either just blow off the most important day of their lifetime or bring one of those scary babies into the bedroom.
1. The Succu Dry
Congratulations, “Twilight Saga.” You’re no longer the unintentionally scariest property to come out of the vampire craze. This specialized “Fleshlight” caters to the guy who’s into chicks with fangs with a simulated rubber mouth in a can that has two massive incisors surrounding the opening.
2. Death by Orgasm Scorpion Bullet
There’s a stereotype floating between men that all women are terrified of bugs and insects. If that’s true (and we’re not saying that it is), maybe they wouldn’t be so afraid of them if they could vibrate and “finish them off.” This 3-speed vibrator has its own coffin carrying case and promises to “wake the undead with its ultra-powerful vibrations.”
3. The Razor Incoqnito
This “pleasure aid” looks like something that your dentist would use to scare you into flossing regularly. However, the website claims that this “claw and pinwheel” device is supposed to “create a variety of sensations depending on the pressure applied or together for a more intense feeling.” We just want to know “where” they are “applying pressure” to create such a sensation.
4. The Pony Tail Butt Plug
Bronies are already a creepy breed and we’re sure that this device was made for them in mind, which is even scarier because it means that they are breeding. One half of this device is just your standard, clear glass butt plug but sticking out of the other end is a long, flowing tail that “adds visual enticement to any role-playing scenario.”
5. The Silicone Penis Cage and Ring Set
We’re not sure what’s scarier: that there’s a jail made specifically for male genitalia or the reasons for sentencing one to a term there. The company that made this makeshift “Superjail” for dongs claims it’s for “men and couples who want to enhance their love making during intercourse” for some bizarre “Oz” for your junk scenarios.
6. Shock Therapy Nipple Clamps
Are you tired of wasting the juice in your car battery just so you and your loved ones can have a good time? Are jumper cables too constricting and painful? Are you tired of getting your sex toys from Auto Zone? These battery powered nipple clamps are just what you need to put “the spark” back in your sex life.
7. The Peter Piper
Now that weed is legal or mildly tolerated in some parts of the US, that means we’re getting all sorts of crazy products and accessories that only people who indulge in a hallucinogenic narcotic could produce. For instance, the “Peter Piper” is (you guessed it) a marital aid that doubles as a marijuana pipe.
8. The Anal Explorer
Usually, the word “explorer” evokes a sense of adventure and daring but in the context of a sexual aid, “explorer” evokes thoughts of a terrifying experience that you’ll one day have to explain to a therapist or a court appointed attorney. This vibrating, latex plug is attached to a hand operated air pump for reasons that we’d not rather know.
9. Mr. Jack Mouth
Mustaches are making a comeback thanks to the rise of hipster-dom and Movember. They’ve even inflected the world of sex toys with this, um, device that simulates a human mouth on a stick that looks like one of those larvae from “Aliens” if it mutated in Tom Selleck’s digestive tract.
10. The Vajankle
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have sex with a human foot? If so, we really hope that every major law enforcement agency in the country is monitoring your whereabouts. A sex toy company that aspires to make Jeffrey Dalhmer’s sexual appetites look like a ride on “It’s a Small World” released this realistic sex doll that combines all the erotic qualities of a severed foot with a lady’s, um, lady parts.
Follow Danny Gallagher on Twitter @thisisdannyg.