Well, here we are; another year has gone by and we made another trip around our planet’s star, we are all another year closer to death. Happy New Year! While 2016 already seems like it is sure to be filled with weird and wild surprises let us take a look back at the totally insane shit show that was 2015.
The year saw some of the most controversial people get their 15 minutes, from AIDS medication price jacking Pharma Bro to the Dentist Lion Killer to that white lady pretending to be black. On New Year’s Day 2015 I hoped that the year ahead would be filled with even weirder weird news than the previous year. 2015 did not disappoint us as here at Break we had the pleasure of bringing you the following weirdness.
Do you remember the classic children’s book series The Berenstein Bears about a family of bear-people who taught kids valuable lessons? Having sold over 240 million books, they even had a series of animated TV specials in the 80’s. Everyone remembers and loves The Berenstein Bears! Or do they?
Which one is it?! This broke my brain in 2015.
A conspiracy theory emerged on the Internet that might damage you if you remember tittle of these books as “The Berenstein Bears.” Several years ago a blogger named Reece uncovered the disparity between our shared memory of Berenstein Bears and the currently reality we live in of Berenstain Bears.
Now at first he thought that perhaps the publishers changed the title for some unknown reason. However after researching the copyright, he discovered that it has always BEEN BerenSTAIN. So he has a theory:
“In 1992 they were “stEin” in 1992, but in 2012 they were “stAin” in 1992. At some time in the last 10 years or so, reality has been tampered with and history has been retroactively changed. The bears really were called the “BerenstEin Bears” when we were growing up, but now reality has been altered such that the name of the bears has been changed post hoc.”
There were many, many airplane meltdowns this year. People could simply not sit down, buckle their seat belt and shut the F up. One of my favorites however was this guy who just started wizzing everywhere midflight. He wasn’t even drunk.
A man on a JetBlue flight from Anchorage, Alaska to Portland Oregon decided he couldn’t wait until he got to the gate to take a leak. Instead, about 30 minutes before landing 27-year-old Jeff D. Rubin stood up and began peeing between the crack of the seat onto the passengers sitting in front of him. Depending on if the passengers have a golden shower fetish this certainly brings new meaning to the term “flying the friendly skies.”
Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse in this story, they do. While standing up peeing on the people in front of him Rubin lost his balance, falling backward, thus PISSING UPWARD. This got his urine all over the passengers next to him as well as their luggage and personal belongings. He basically tub-girl’d everyone.
Maybe he was hoping a glass of water that was sipped by His Holiness Pope Francis when he addressed the United States Congress would turn him into the superhero Pope Man. Representative Bob Brady from Pennsylvania is a devout Catholic who seems to not understand his own religion. After the Pope’s visit Brady stole the Pontiff’s half empty (or is it half full?) water glass so that he could drink from it, share the water with his wife and friends and sprinkle it on his grandchildren.
My favorite part of this story were the photos of Representative Brady dishing out the water to relatives and staff members with his big thumb on the lip of the glass, like he is a priest offering communion to some new sect he started that drinks Pope water.
American politicians weren’t the only ones making fools of themselves in 2015. A book came out that alleges British Prime Minister had what the kids call “pulling a Kermit.”
According to a new book about the PM, back in the day Cameron joined a group called Piers Gaveston, an Oxford Dining Society. Sounds lame, right? Well, picture the Illuminati of dinner parties known for weird parties and filthy sex. That’s the rumor, anyway. And part of the initiation for Cameron involved a pig – it was dead if that makes it better or worse for you – that he put his wang in. In its mouth, apparently. So picture a pork roast minus the apple, plus a future world leader’s junk. Go on, picture it.
Maybe the Berenstein Bears live here. Is China’s smog becoming so thick that the pollution particles are actually starting to solidify into buildings? Thousands of residents in the Chinese cities of Jiangxi and Foshan were stunned, shocked and flabbergasted to see a ghostly cloud city floating in the sky above them. Either everyone is having a group hallucination, we are all getting a pretty sweet opium contact high or Jimmy Kimmel has really outdone himself this time. That is because as far as anyone can tell these images are one hundred percent real.
Scientists want us to believe that the above photo is just a mirage called a Fata Morgana. Does that image look like a mirage to you? They say this is a rare optical illusion that happens during the right weather conditions.
Who says love has the power to heal? Not Jennifer Connell, an Upper East Side resident of New York City who is currently suing her now 12-year-old nephew for breaking her wrist with an extra rambunctious hug. Connell says the youngster, Sean Tarala has always been “very loving and sensitive” toward her but that this fondness took a painful turn four years ago when she attended his eighth birthday party.
In her testimony she describes the moment the little birthday boy broke her wrist with the overly enthusiastic greeting;
“All of a sudden he was there in the air, I had to catch him and we tumbled onto the ground. I remember him shouting, ‘Auntie Jen I love you,’ and there he was flying at me.”
How Aunt Jen saw the hug?
To top it off since the time of the wrist breaking incident the young boy lost his mother to cancer, and now had to face his aunt in court. When the story broke the Internet was quick to demonize Aunt Jen as a mix between Martin Shkreli, Bill Cosby and Jared from Subway. She eventually lost the court case. However it later it came out that in order to pay her medical expenses for the arm her evil insurance company forced her to sue the child in order to get his family’s home owners insurance to cover the medical expenses. The Aunt and boy even went on the Today Show to clear her name, but by then it was too late, the internet will remember her as a villain.
This was probably one of those fake weird news stories but if he were real the man who admittedly killed his imaginary friend would get an award for the weirdest weird news story of 2015. I’m still not sure why those websites that create fade weird news exist when there is so much real weirdness in the world.
However according to the Internets A man named good ole’ Geoff Gaylord in Jacksonville Florida confessed to police that he had repeatedly stabbed a man with a kitchen knife, cut him up with a hatchet and buried him in his backyard. While that sounds horrible you will be thankful to know one small detail; the person Gaylord “killed” was named “Mr. Happy” and was his imaginary friend. This is one murder where cops will definitely have to sketch the victim in lieu of finding a body. The alleged imaginary friend killer allegedly told cops;
“He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… never picked up his empty cocaine baggies…He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean…Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF…We’d go dancing, play on the children’s park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal – listened to it for hours with the lights turned off…. That drunk driving incident I got unfairly blamed for and just how messy he had become put me over the edge and I murdered him.”
Jewel Shuping, a 30 year old woman from North Carolina, says she suffers Body Integrity Identity Disorder. In a nutshell, those who suffer from this disorder feel that, though there is nothing wrong with them, something should be wrong with them. They actually want to be disabled and feel they are supposed to be.
Shuping spent her whole life wishing she was blind. She would wear dark glasses and walk with a cane, she even learned to read braille in her teens. So when Shuping found a psychologist willing to help her, both of them became complicit in what is arguably one of the most disgusting things you’ll ever hear about. Shuping claims the psychologist gave her numbing eye drops and then helped her put drain cleaner in her eyes. The result of her drain cleaner treatments is that she lost one eye completely and the other has glaucoma and cataracts. So she got her wish, she’s blind.
Some of the folks in the previous weird news stories could have used this APP, but the rest of the world was not having it. “Peeple” was pitched as Yelp but for your friends, neighbors, exes and anyone else who has a phone number. The app would allow you to rate other humans from 1 to 5 stars in 3 categories – personal, professional and romantic. All you need to rate the person is their phone number. This automatically enrolls them in Peeple if they want to be or not.
Peeple claimed it was about positivity and that bullying won’t be allowed. It claims that because most Yelp reviews are positive but anonymous, even more Peeple reviews will be positive because they’re not anonymous. If you get a negative review you have a limited time to “work it out” with the reviewer. If you can’t, the negative review gets posted and you’re free to defend yourself publicly. You cannot opt out. No one can opt out.
Instead of being some sort of cold hearted Pharma Bro villain, the two women who created the app seemed pretty clueless as to why everyone was so upset with them. While they were app developers they clearly never read comments on the Internet and soon found out just how nasty people – or “peeple” can be. They quickly tried to revamp the app and make it so you could only participate if you approved messages and feedback about yourself- so in other words it sounds like a useless people review app if everything about that person is just positive.
For one girl, a simple image of her hanging out with a friend turned extremely embarassing when the photo revealed a massive double fisting sex toy dangling in the background as if it was a winter scarf. Did she buy it as a joke? Is it there just for decoration? Doesn’t matter, because all of her facebook friends, family and co-workers now know she’s clearly the proud owner of…this.
This was one our most viewed weird news stories of 2015, how come guys?
Of course some hero who spotted the original image on his facebook feed thanks to one of the two girls in the picture decided he couldn’t let a good thing go, screencapping the picture and posting it to Imgur where it has received over 2 million views. No word how horrifically embarassed the woman is, but we’re pretty sure she’s either burned that thing to ash or thrown it in the ocean thanks to her lack of attention to detail.
So let this be a reminder, everyone. If you’re going to share your photos on facebook, double check to make sure you don’t have a double fisted sex toy hanging over your head like it’s the damn mistletoe.
I’ve had a lot of eggnog this past week so please tell us what your favorite weird news story of 2015 is that I missed!
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney